June, 2020 - A Flourishing Rose

Month: June 2020

5 Books That Will Change Your Life

June 30, 2020

Reading as one of the most valuable tools you can use while working on your personal development. While your own mindset is important, if you are stuck, it is helpful to read other people’s ideas and collect questions that can help guide your thought process. Personal development books can be very useful tools for reflection. It took me a while to discover this world, but I will save you time and give you a great place to start with this list of five books that will change your life.

When I was growing up, I hated reading. I could never imagine why anyone would want to read for pleasure. I’d wonder why these people weren’t doing something fun instead. I couldn’t imagine wanting to read to improve your life. I. Had no idea about the personal development genre. I also couldn’t picture why anyone would want to read to simply learn something new unless it was a school assignment. Part of it was my attitude about reading, but the other part was that because of my visual impairment, there weren’t many books available to me. The ones that were available were mostly outdated and didn’t interest me. Then I got introduced to Audible and Kindle books. Once I had access to books that were interesting and relevant to me, I grew to love reading.

It opened me up to new worlds and ideas including personal development. I discovered what a powerful tool reading can be. I had read books to mostly gather information, but had never saw reading as a way to improve my life, but throughout this journey, I have found five books that have changed my life and they can change yours too.

The Five Second Rule

The Five Second Rule is an amazing book by Mel Robbins. If you listen to the Audible version, it’s as if she’s sitting right there with you having a friendly, but extremely honest chat. The major idea behind this book is that it takes us five seconds to make decisions. We can either take or lose an opportunity in five seconds. It’s amazing when you think about it. Mel explains it better than I can because it starts with her experience, but basically if we count backwards from five, it refocuses our brain and allows us to make quicker decisions that put us into action.

For example, let’s say you want to get out of bed earlier in the morning, but your habit is to hit the snooze several times. You can’t seem to get it together in the morning and it is having a negative impact on the rest of your day. When you hear that first alarm, start counting backwards from five and then launch yourself out of bed. Mell explains it as a space shuttle launching. It gives you momentum. It sounds so simple, but most of us don’t think of doing this. The 5 second method has helped me push through anxiety about making decisions. Too many of us stay in a space of being stuck. The 5 second rule pushes us to take action.

Take Control of Your Life

This is another book by Mel Robbins. I love her simple, but effective way of explaining things. Some people may be offended by some of the language she uses, but she doesn’t sugar coat things. It may make people feel uncomfortable, but if we don’t feel discomfort, we don’t grow. This book consists of Mel doing several coaching sessions, but the first one resonated most with me. Her client was a man named Dan who was a fraud he’d never find his life’s purpose. He felt stuck and had no idea what his next steps should be. This is where I was last year.

Reading Take Control of My Life helped me to look at things from a different perspective. I tend to be an over thinker and want to do everything at once, but this book helped me break my goals down into small achievable steps. It also helped me realize that what I needed to do was follow. My interests. I didn’t need to come up with a complete plan right away. Each interest you follow will give you more information which can help you decide what your next step will be. If you are interested in learning more, I’ve done a post on how I used the Brick by Brick method.

The Five Love Languages

The next book on my list is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I recommend this book whether you are in a relationship or not. There is a version for singles, married couples and even love languages for children. This book is based off the idea that everyone gives and receives love differently and when we can tap into our partner’s love language, we can create a mutually fulfilling relationship. I will say that there are a lot of Christian references in this book, but I don’t feel it took anything away from the overall message. You can still certainly benefit from this book whether you are a Christian or not. According to Gary Chapman, the love languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch and quality time. I learned that my love language is gifts. It’s how I know I’m appreciated and how I show appreciation to others. However, I now know that the recipient of my gifts may be wishing I’d show my love in other ways. This would be a great book for couples to read together or separately, but to compare notes. If you find out what your partner’s love language is, you will make them feel more love. In turn, you will feel more love as well. It’s a win win! I wish I would’ve found this book sooner.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love

If psychology interests you, you’ll find this book interesting, but more importantly, if you’ve had troubled relationships, this book is a must read! Since I had a relatively normal childhood and had a decent relationship with my mother and other family members when I was young, I always figured I had a secure attachment style. However, when I read this book and completed the attachment questions, I learned that I have an anxious attachment style. Who wants to admit that? Certainly not me.

I was initially disgusted with myself and felt like I was doing everything all wrong. However, I am able to see where this style comes from and while I can’t totally shake the feelings of being anxious around attachment, I now have an understanding of how I can better manage my attachment related behaviors. I also learned that your attachment style can change over time and anxious people can become securely attached if they are able to create a secure environment with their partner. There’s hope for me yet! I’m making light of the matter, but I highly recommend this book whether you are currently in a relationship or not. It can also help you make sense of your past relationships.

Waking Up White and Finding Myself in the Story of Race

Who would’ve thought that as a white person, a book about race would make such an impact? Considering current events, it’s obvious that most of us needed to do this work a long time ago. While this book focuses on anti racism and has strategies on how to spot and discuss racism across cultures, the parts that impacted me most were the discussions about what it means to be white. The author really breaks down the beliefs we have in white culture. I had never thought of it this way. She is also a New Englander and I could see myself in so many things that she was talking about. Especially in terms of family culture, keeping strong emotions to yourself, avoiding conflict and sticking to basic small talk. I always assumed that my conflict avoidance was just because I wanted to be a nice person and please others. While that is true, when I really think about it, that is how most of the women are in my family. We are peace makers. We are not happy unless everyone is getting along.

When I look back on my childhood, if I cried or showed other strong emotions, I remember feeling embarrassed or ashamed to be displaying that level of emotion in front of people. Even if I was just with my family. I felt like I needed to stay strong and push through whatever was going on regardless of my feelings. Showing sadness or hurt feelings were signs of weakness. At least that’s how I internalized it. We are uncomfortable with that level of emotion.

If someone gets angry in front of me, I either want to fix it quickly by giving them whatever will calm them down. If that won’t work, I just want to get out of that situation. The same goes if someone is sad. I don’t want to sit with that. I want to make them feel better. My first instinct is to try to find a way to make them happy again. Sometimes, that can’t happen and I hate when I can’t fix it for them. Now I realize that it’s more than my individual personality at work. It’s my New England culture and apart of being white. I’m not quite done with this book yet, but it has been an eye opener. While I originally checked this book out to have a better understanding of racism and white privilege, I ended up with a better understanding of myself.

What books speak to you? What books have had an impact on your life? Tell me in the comments.

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Personal Development, Self Care

50 Affirmations and Quotes to Inspire Self Compassion and Kindness

June 15, 2020

How kind are you to yourself? If your friend was going through a rough time and you were comforting her, would you say the same things to yourself if you were in a similar situation? I’m guessing you’d be a whole lot harder on yourself. In most cases, we are our own worst critics.

I was on a conference call with two other coaches. One of them asked how we were going to be kind to ourselves this week. She wanted us to come up with a mantra or affirmation that we could tell ourselves to show some self compassion. She reminds us that we are human. We make mistakes, but we do the best we can. We need to look at ourselves with the same kindness and compassion that we give to others. When it was my turn to speak, I honestly couldn’t think of anything. I stumbled over my words and totally drew a blank. However, if you asked what was one kind thing I could say to a friend, a family member or even a stranger, I could come up with something in a second. Eventually, I said, “I’ll show myself some patience and forgiveness when I make a mistake.”

I felt very put on the spot, but I realized that I’m generally not kind to myself. I have no idea how many times a day I put myself down in my head. If I kept track, it would probably be shocking. I would never do that to someone else, so why would I do that to myself? I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this, so I was inspired to create this list of 50 self kindness and compassion quotes and affirmations to remind you to be. Kinder to yourself.

You can copy and paste these to print or put up on your wall. You can add them to a screen saver or image on your phone. You can create a vision board, write them in a notebook or create your own affirmations. Use these quotes to inspire self kindness in a way that resonates with you.

Affirmations

I am worthy of love.

I am worthy of infinite and unending compassion.

I deserve love, compassion, and empathy.

I am powerful, confident, and capable of reaching all my dreams.

I have a warm and caring heart.

I am exactly who I need to be in this moment.

All of my decisions are inspired from inner wisdom and compassion.

I am a beautiful person.

I love and treasure my body.

I honor and respect my limitations.

Happiness flows freely from me.

Love rises from my heart in the face of difficulty.

I have infinite capacity for love and affection.

I am successful.

I believe in the person I dream of becoming.

I carry strength and resilience with me.

I have the ability to overcome any challenge life gives me.

Changing is never simple but it’s easier if I stop being hard on myself.

My mistakes just show that I’m growing and learning.

It’s okay to make mistakes and forgive myself.

I am free to let go of others’ judgments.

My life is a celebration of my accomplishments.

My every step is one of courage.

Abundance and love flow from me.

I honor my own life path.

Quotes

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” Christopher Germer

“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” Mary Dunbar

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Sharon Salzberg

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” Brené Brown

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” Malcolm S. Forbes

“There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?” C. JoyBell C.

“Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head.” Victoria Moran

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” Diane Von Furstenberg

“I love myself for I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now.” Louise Hay

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.” Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale

“You can succeed if nobody else believes it, but you will never succeed if you don’t believe in yourself.” William J. H. Boetcker

“I was once afraid of people saying ‘Who does she think she is?’ Now I have the courage to stand and say ‘This is who I am.’” Oprah Winfrey

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” Christopher K. Germer

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”―Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

“An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of ourselves–the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place.”—Marshall Rosenberg, Non-Violent Communication

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”—Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”—Steve Furtick

“When you say ‘Yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.” —Paulo Cohelo

“Flowers don’t open and close according to whose walking by. They open and show their beauty regardless.” Rebecca Campbell – Light Is The New Black

“Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.” Confucius

“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” – Jean Shinoda Bolen

Learning to love yourself is like learning to walk—essential, life-changing, and the only way to stand tall.” – Vironika Tugaleva

“There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.” – Brian Andreas

Do you have a favorite affirmation or quote that you use to be kind to your self? Tell me in the comments.

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Motherhood

Why You Should Say Your Sorry to Your Children

June 9, 2020

Have you ever had one of those days? You know, the days where your kids won’t stop asking you for things. The days when you try to hide anywhere where you can lock the door to have a moment of peace. You may be in your bathroom just trying to do your business with someone knocking at the door. Maybe you’re trying to sneak a snack in your pantry closet with someone in hot pursuit wanting to know what you are doing. Yes, I’m speaking from experience.

What about the days when you are on edge and when your prescious little one asks you for something one too many times? When that happens, how do you handle it? Well, I’ll admit, there are definitely times when I lose my patience. Every mom knows that it’s unavoidable. At one point, you will snap at your children or make other cringe worthy mistake which brings me to the original question, why should we say sorry to our kids?

We are all human beings

This is common sense, but there are many parents out there who don’t make a point of apologizing to their children when they make a mistake. They feel that they are the parent, they are in charge and children should just comply. Everyone makes mistakes, so I’m not sure what is behind this thinking. Maybe it’s fear of losing some of that power/control but I believe that when you make a mistake and learn from it, you have more knowledge and power than when you started.

Also, as human beings, we all want to be treated with respect and even though our children are little, they are beings with needs, wants and feelings who are taking everything in and learning how our world works. Don’t we want that world to have as much kindness and fairness as possible?

It is good role modeling

Much of what our children learn is from what they see us doing. As their parents, we obviously have a huge influence in the way they think and feel about themselves and others. How can we expect them to be able to accept responsibility for their mistakes and actions if we don’t show them?

This past weekend has been extremely rough at my house. There has been lack of sleep, extreme clinginess and everything goes in one ear and out the other. I hate to say it, but my patience has gone completely out the window. After hours of hearing mommy, mommy, mommy, play with me now, make this for me now, turn on the tv now, I want this, I want that, I snapped. I was exhausted from trying to do small things like putting dishes away, make dinner, getting dressed etc and being constantly interrupted. This was in between hours of play time, so Rosebud was getting plenty of attention as I have been trying to limit the time I spend working. When she came in the kitchen while I was making dinner demanding chocolate milk, I lost it. I yelled at her to stop and leave me alone. I just wanted a moment of peace. I told her to just go watch tv and to stop bothering me.

About five minutes later, she came back and asked for a hug. Of course, I gave her a hug. In that five minutes, I felt horrible about yelling at her. Even though I didn’t say anything crazy, she only had a small request and I handled it poorly, so I apologized. I told her that I was sorry for yelling at her and that it wasn’t a nice thing to do. I explained that when she is constantly asking for something while I’m busy it is really frustrating. I told her that I love playing with her, but sometimes I need to do other things that are important as well. In turn, she said she was sorry and we agreed we were still friends. It’s a little ritual we have.

The Results

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first parenting mistake I’ve made and it won’t be the last. It’s also not the first time I’ve apologized to Rosebud. Even if I don’t do it right away, I may say something when we’re having snuggle time before bed. Now, she does the same thing. If she thinks about something and feels bad for something she’s done, she tells me.

For example, we have a strawberry plant and last year, she ate the strawberries as soon as they popped up. She didn’t even wait until they were red, so we kept telling her to wait and let them grow, so that they are edible. Rosebud has an amazing memory, so during our quiet time yesterday, she told me she was sorry for eating all the strawberries last year and that she would let them grow big this year. This is a funny story, but she does this with serious issues as well. She’ll apologize for hitting, breaking toys, not cleaning up etc. It leads to some really thoughtful and wonderful discussions.

This goes to show that even on crappy days when we feel like the worst moms ever, we are actually not. Yes, we make mistakes, but it’s how we handle them that really matters. When our children grow up, will they remember how we yelled at them about chocolate milk or will they remember that we snuggled with them before bed. Will they remember when you hid in the bathroom to get away from them or will they remember what you taught them about caring about the feelings of others? They will remember that we valued them as human beings. That we cared for them and loved them even when it was hard. Even when we are grumpy, make mistakes or feel like we haven’t done anything right, our kids forgive us and love us unconditionally. That’s what makes this mom thing all worth it.

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Equality

I Stand With You

June 3, 2020

For days, I’ve been wondering what to say. I just haven’t had the words, but there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to get it wrong. I want to be supportive and create a safe space, but I worry about saying the wrong thing and hurting people further. I mean well in my heart, but I’m not a person of color, so I can’t speak to that reality. If I say nothing, that may be taken as a sign that I am okay with racism and police brutality, so it’s better to use my voice as a blogger to contribute to making the world a better place. As a coach, it is my responsibility to make my clients feel safe and respected. If a woman of color finds my blog, I want her to know that she is welcomed and accepted here for who she is.

As I have been watching the events of the past week unfold, I have become deeply saddened and appalled by the racism in our country and the lack of leadership and kindness from the powers that be. The division of our country is heartbreaking to watch, but even more than that, it’s heartbreaking to see the pain of people who have been oppressed and under valued for generations. It’s heartbreaking to see people get murdered needlessly because of the color of their skin. My thoughts are with those who are no longer with us because of police brutality. I hope their families can somehow find peace.

I hope anyone reading this sees that I’m coming from a place of love and compassion. Not only for people of color, but for humanity itself. I will acknowledge that I’m white and have no idea what it’s like to be a person of color and never will, but there are definitely pieces of this that I understand from a human perspective, loving people of color as well as being apart of a group who has been oppressed and under valued by society. However, I won’t share my stories now because it is not the time. It is time to listen to our friends and community members of color. It is time that their voices be heard. It is time for real change. We can’t go back to normal before the pandemic. That normal is just too scary for too many people in our country.

Black Lives Matter

As white people, we have to examine why we feel triggered or threatened when we hear a black person say black lives matter. Just because a black person tells you that their lives matter doesn’t mean that yours don’t. It means that we all matter equally or at least we should. At the same time, there is wide spread police brutality. Yes, it happens to white people too and it shouldn’t be tolerated in any form. The police are supposed to serve and protect. This is something we need to address as a society. I know this is uncomfortable, but stay with me. We definitely need to work on this together, but first we need to start healing the pain that is right in front of us at this moment.

Justice for George Floyd

Right now, there is outrage over the murder of George Floyd and the others before him. Emotions are running high and people have been traumatized. Lives have been lost, businesses have been lost and peace of mind has been lost. Hatred is spreading like wildfire. The thing is, we may be feeling unsafe now, but can you imagine feeling like that every time you step out of your home for years on end?

Show Compassion and Understanding

This may be a bad analogy, but if a friend comes to you crying, heartbroken and in pain, do you tell them, “my pain is just as great as your pain.” No, you’d sit with them. You’d care for them. You’d lift them up with kind words and or actions. In return, when you are in pain, they’d sit with you and care for you. A level of trust has been built. Then comes the time to bond over shared experiences. Traumatic or otherwise. This is what we need to do for people of color right now. We need to listen and be supportive because as white people, we will never fully understand their reality.

We Need Each Other

The truth is we all matter, but, none of us matter if we are not treated as equals. Why not start out by reaching out, listening to each other and speaking up when we see racism and injustice in action? I don’t have the answers, but I see it as one large complicated puzzle that we have to work on together. When you start a puzzle, it makes sense to start with the edges and then work your way towards the middle. I see the racism, division and hatred as the edges. As we put them together, that stuff starts to disappear and we start to see the middle, the bigger picture. The picture where we are all connected. We can see all around the puzzle and see how the pieces form together to create the whole image. In that image, we see our differences, the things we value and our shared experiences. We see our history and the things we’ve overcome. We see the things we can accomplish when we are united.

Making Our World Safe

In order to start thinking about the police brutality problem across all races, we have to start putting the puzzle together first. We have to stand with people of color. Standing together brings healing and builds trust. One person has to reach out first and people of color have asked us as white people to stand with them. I stand with you. My blog is a safe place for moms of color.

I hope that one day black parents won’t have to have these discussions with their children about how to be safe around the police. I hope that one day, parents of color won’t have to tell their children about the hatred in the world based simply on the color of their skin. I hope that one day, our multiracial children will feel proud of every part of their identity. They won’t have to pass as something else or hide the parts that make them unique and wonderful. They won’t have to deal with stereotypes, discrimination, hatred or feeling afraid for their lives. It all starts at home. We need to tell our children about race and that our experiences may be different from what others experience. We need to show children that diversity is valued and respected. We need to have uncomfortable discussions with friends or family members to help all of us grow. We need to start healing and putting our country back together, but this time, we need to create an environment that is tolerant, strong, safe and a more just place.

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