Self Compassion

Motherhood, Personal Development, Self Care

How To Accept Your Uniqueness

December 10, 2020

I had a plan for this week. I was going to talk a little about self-care and do a list of stocking stuffers to pamper the moms in your life. While gift guides are great and we all need to take care of ourselves, I wasn’t feeling compelled to put it together. Right now, there is something more important in my heart. It is still a form of self-care, but it’s not the tangible measurable kind. It’s the kind that you feel in your heart and soul. It’s the kind that helps you feel at peace and at ease with yourself.

Accepting Uniqueness

Today I want to share an amazing strategy for working on self acceptance. Some people say these things are flaws, imperfections or quirks. I prefer to see it as your uniqueness. It’s the stuff that makes you who you are. The stuff that makes you like no one else. The stuff that makes you interesting!

Embrace Yourself

Last weekend, Rosebud really wanted to paint, so I decided to let her paint while I worked on Instagram posts. By the time she was done, there was paint everywhere. It was all over her, her tray and dripping off the paper. It was the kind of painting I couldn’t keep. I lifted it to put it on the counter to dry and the paint poured off. It upset Rosebud, but it went straight to the trash. Honestly, I was bothered by the mess. It took me forever to clean it up and while I know messy play is important for kids, I hate dealing with it. I clean up after kids all day at work. I don’t want to do it here too. It’s not fair to Rosebud, but it’s a fact. I do set up messy play opportunities for her, but they are few and far between.

The No Paint Mama

My anxiety about clean up goes through the roof and I hate feeling that every time. At first, I started thinking about what a failure I am as a mom. How my child needs this and maybe I’m depriving her of something, but am I really or am I too focused on the shoulds and coulds. In that moment, I decided to embrace the fact that I’m not a messy play mom. I told one person on Instagram that I’d be the no paint mama.

When I thought about it, Rosebud enjoys many forms of sensory play like water, the rice bin, kinetic sand, play-dough,, water beads, shredded paper etc. She does drawing, water colors, gluing, cutting and decorating with stickers, so she gets plenty of exposure to arts and crafts. Even after all that, why was I hung up on the paint? She doesn’t need to do messy finger painting every day to be a well rounded child. Those voices popped up in my head. Those annoying shoulds.

What They Tell Us

Then today during a coaching call, I had this amazing break through. This is why I love coaching so much. We were talking about marketing strategies for my business and how to make the best use of my time. I told her how I felt I was making the most of my time by using Instagram, but there are the shoulds. The experts saying that you need to be on all forms of social media and be doing all things. You need to post videos, write blog entries, send out a newsletter, create podcasts, schedule multiple posts on every platform etc.

In real life, this is too much for one person. This involves hiring tasks out. While this is possible for a successful business owner, you can’t always do this when you are first starting out. I need to simplify, so for now I am focusing on one social media platform. While so many people recommend Facebook for this purpose, I had to choose the one I’m having the most fun and best interaction with. Even if it goes against the advice of the so called experts who don’t know me or my audience. I need to follow my own path.

Living in the Present

My next battle with the shoulds was about creating a marketing plan. The experts say to create a 60 or 90 day marketing plan. While this works great for sales, tracking income etc, it wasn’t working for me with social media marketing. I have a 90 day plan laid out in a spread sheet and you know what? I used none of it. You might be wondering why. It’s because I need to create content around what I’m feeling in that moment. What am I struggling with? What can my audience relate to? How can I be the most authentic?

If I’m focusing on something from three months ago, I may not be feeling that way today. Everything surrounding children and motherhood change so fast, that I have to scrap my plan. This is a metaphor for motherhood, right? Nothing goes as planned. As soon as you have something figured out, it changes.

The Strategy

Speaking of metaphors, that is the strategy. My coach asked me what I took away from our sessions, but she asked me if there was one image that I could hold in my mind that embodied everything I’ve learned. It didn’t make sense at first, but the first image that came to mind was a fluffy white cloud floating along in the sky. The more I thought about it, a girl floated on top of the cloud. As I explained the cloud metaphor to my coach, it started to take shape.

I am embracing my uniqueness and every cloud has its own shape. Clouds are floating. The wind is carrying them, but they have an energy of their own. They are not listening to the other clouds, they are on their own path, reaching their own destination. Their shapes may change over time. They may rise or fall. They may come together to touch other clouds or break away on their own, but in the end, they have their uniqueness. Isn’t that why we look at them? Isn’t that where we find the beauty?

Chipping Away

This strategy isn’t an easy fix. Accepting yourself is life long work. It changes from day to day. I see it like creating a sculpture. Each day, you chip away and get one step closer to where you want to be. The beautiful sculpture starts to take its shape and then is revealed over time.

What is Your Metaphor?

What do you need to embrace? What is your image or metaphor that can help you accept your beauty? Your uniqueness. The things that make you interesting, authentic and wonderful. If you need help with this process, let’s jump on a

discovery call. I’d love to help you celebrate your uniqueness.

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Gratitude, Personal Development

What To Do When You Want to Feel Grateful, but Don’t

November 30, 2020

I was going to end my gratitude series with a post on the 20 things I’m thankful for in 2020, but whenever I sit down to write this post, I’m not feeling grateful. I’m thinking about all the things that are not working for me right now and I’m thinking about everything wrong in the world. That doesn’t leave much head space for gratitude. Rather than try to force myself to write a post that’s not coming, I thought why not share strategies to help you when you are having difficulty feeling grateful. Here are three strategies that can help you when you want to feel gratitude, but don’t.

Accept Your Feelings

Everyone knows that it’s better to have positive thoughts. I don’t think anyone consciously wants to stay in a negative thought pattern, but it’s easy to get stuck there. I think of it as a spiral. Something negative can happen to me in the morning and it can effect me for the rest of the day. On the other hand if something really positive happens, your thoughts start to go upward and you notice the positive things that are happening. This is why well meaning people say things like, “think positive” or “be grateful for what you have.” Well, there are times when life feels pretty shitty and you can’t see the beauty because you are living your nightmare day after day. The nightmare is different for everyone. It could be an abusive relationship, a horrible job, a bad break up, losing a loved one etc. There is usually something to be grateful for in the end no matter the situation, but sometimes it can be microscopic.

If you’re the person who needs the magnifying glass right now to see beauty in your life or to find that shred of gratitude, it’s okay. I’ll say that again, it’s okay not to feel grateful every moment. It makes those moments when you feel real gratitude even more powerful. Just notice how you are feeling and let it pass. You are not a horrible person if you weren’t spilling over with gratitude over the Thanksgiving holiday. I know I wasn’t and I felt guilty about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is healthier to accept my feelings.

Make a Happy List

While there are so many benefits of gratitude, that doesn’t matter if you are not feeling it. Your mindset doesn’t change over night. Sometimes, we have to take baby steps. Rather than thinking about things you are grateful for, start by thinking about or making a list of what makes you happy. What makes you smile? What makes you laugh? You may be thinking, but isn’t that a gratitude list? Well, in a way it is since gratitude and happiness are closely linked. I want to take gratitude out of the equation for now because if you are not feeling grateful, you may feel pressured to come up with things you are grateful for. On the other hand, it’s not usually hard to come up with a list of things that make you happy.

This list can be as short or long as you want. It can be things from both past and present. Here’s a sample list I came up with.
Rosebud, mocha coffee, cupcakes, making people laugh, the beach, reading a good book, when someone says something I wrote helped them, wearing a pretty dress, snuggling with Diamond, hot chocolate, cheese cake, days off, chats with friends, when I’ve helped a coaching client, baby laughter, etc. I could go on and on, but you get the point. After you’ve made your list, how do you feel? Do you feel happier? Are you feeling more grateful than when you started?

Reverse Bucket List

When you think of a bucket list, you usually think of all the things you want to do in the future. Well, a reverse bucket list is all the amazing things you’ve already done.

What have you accomplished that you are proud of?
What events have made your life meaningful?
What have you really enjoyed about your life?

The purpose of doing this list is to remind yourself of the great things you’ve done in your past. Some examples may be having your children, meeting your partner, your wedding day, an amazing vacation, getting an advanced degree, a career switch, buying a home, learning an important lesson etc. You may in fact be grateful for these things, but haven’t stopped to appreciate them. This way, if you aren’t feeling grateful in the moment, you can recall things that will bring you back to feeling gratitude.

Did you have trouble feeling gratitude this season? What do you do when you are feeling ungrateful? Tell me in the comments.

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Personal Development

How To Create Positivity from Missed opportunities

September 16, 2020

I had an experience last week that got me thinking about missed opportunities and the things that we participate in that we think are beneficial, but it turns out they aren’t. The question is what do we do with those missed opportunities? What do we do when a door closes? We pick up and start over. Here’s how to turn a missed opportunity into something positive. As the saying goes, turn lemons into lemonade.

When One Door Closes

This story is such a first world problem. It’s so inconsequential when we look at the big picture, but sometimes the smallest things can teach us the greatest lessons. I was apart of a Facebook group for bloggers where we can promote our blog using the daily threads. I have been a regular participant in this group for a while and always did my best to give more than I take. I’d always engage with the other bloggers on the threads. Whether it be liking social media posts on their accounts, commenting, or sharing their blog posts.If you know me, you know that I always try to go above and beyond to do things the right way. Especially when it involves helping other people. It was a shock to me that I was suddenly muted and could no longer respond to the other comments or post. There were days when I couldn’t respond until late in the day because I’m a busy mom. I make my original comments in the morning and then go back throughout the day to help the other bloggers. That is what’s always worked for me.

At first, I got mad because by doing that, they were basically accusing me of dropping my link and running. Then I was disappointed because I couldn’t participate for another month, but I quickly realized that maybe that group wasn’t the place for me anyway. When I thought about it, most of the bloggers in that group aren’t apart of my niche. While their content is great and they were super helpful, there wasn’t much of a connection. They aren’t the people that will become my clients. I could’ve waited a month and then tried to figure out what I had done wrong. Then I could spend time making sure I followed every rule, but for what?

I had to ask myself, how is this benefiting me? Is it helping my blog or coaching practice grow? How does it make me feel to be apart of this group now? It wasn’t giving my blog that much of a boost and I no longer felt welcome in the group. In the past, rejection hit me hard and while I felt a touch of that, I turned it around to something positive.

How To Move On

I started looking for groups that were geared towards busy moms, coaches and female bloggers. I found several that I have joined and so far, they’ve been wonderful groups. The best part is that they’ve given my blog a boost and the women are awesome. There is a supportive environment where we help each other. If you are interested in joining any of these groups, find their links at the end of this post.

Journal Prompts

How about you?
Are there any doors that have closed for you lately? How are you feeling about these experiences now? Here are some prompts to dive into if you use journaling to get your thoughts out. If you aren’t much of a writer, don’t worry about it. Just answer these questions in your head. The answers are all within you.

Describe your last missed opportunity.
Is this a positive or negative thing for you?
Did a better opportunity open up as a result?
If not, how can you turn it into a new opportunity?

List your first three steps for creating your next opportunity.

Finding Clarity

This process also works if you are trying to decide if a. New opportunity is right for you or if you need to get out of a situation. This could be a relationship, friendship or anything work related. Of course, we have to do things we don’t want to do at times. It’s a fact of life, but we can change our mindset. When deciding if something is right for you, answer these questions to get clarity.

How does it make you feel in your body?

If you let this thing go, what will happen?(pros and cons)

What are you giving up by moving on?
What are you giving up if you stick with it?
What are you gaining from moving on?
What are you gaining by staying where you are?

When thinking about doors opening and closing in life, I try to remember this quote. “What is meant for you won’t pass you by.” This applies in business, relationships, purchases, friendships etc. What doors have opened or closed for you lately? Tell me in the comments. If you’d like to talk about creating amazing opportunities in your own life, feel free to book a discovery call to see how we can work together. I’d love to hear from you!

As promised, here are the Facebook groups I mentioned above.

Mom Blog Network Personal Development and Wellness Bloggers

Successful Mom Entrepreneurs Women’s Side Hustle Network

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Personal Development, Self Care

50 Affirmations and Quotes to Inspire Self Compassion and Kindness

June 15, 2020

How kind are you to yourself? If your friend was going through a rough time and you were comforting her, would you say the same things to yourself if you were in a similar situation? I’m guessing you’d be a whole lot harder on yourself. In most cases, we are our own worst critics.

I was on a conference call with two other coaches. One of them asked how we were going to be kind to ourselves this week. She wanted us to come up with a mantra or affirmation that we could tell ourselves to show some self compassion. She reminds us that we are human. We make mistakes, but we do the best we can. We need to look at ourselves with the same kindness and compassion that we give to others. When it was my turn to speak, I honestly couldn’t think of anything. I stumbled over my words and totally drew a blank. However, if you asked what was one kind thing I could say to a friend, a family member or even a stranger, I could come up with something in a second. Eventually, I said, “I’ll show myself some patience and forgiveness when I make a mistake.”

I felt very put on the spot, but I realized that I’m generally not kind to myself. I have no idea how many times a day I put myself down in my head. If I kept track, it would probably be shocking. I would never do that to someone else, so why would I do that to myself? I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this, so I was inspired to create this list of 50 self kindness and compassion quotes and affirmations to remind you to be. Kinder to yourself.

You can copy and paste these to print or put up on your wall. You can add them to a screen saver or image on your phone. You can create a vision board, write them in a notebook or create your own affirmations. Use these quotes to inspire self kindness in a way that resonates with you.

Affirmations

I am worthy of love.

I am worthy of infinite and unending compassion.

I deserve love, compassion, and empathy.

I am powerful, confident, and capable of reaching all my dreams.

I have a warm and caring heart.

I am exactly who I need to be in this moment.

All of my decisions are inspired from inner wisdom and compassion.

I am a beautiful person.

I love and treasure my body.

I honor and respect my limitations.

Happiness flows freely from me.

Love rises from my heart in the face of difficulty.

I have infinite capacity for love and affection.

I am successful.

I believe in the person I dream of becoming.

I carry strength and resilience with me.

I have the ability to overcome any challenge life gives me.

Changing is never simple but it’s easier if I stop being hard on myself.

My mistakes just show that I’m growing and learning.

It’s okay to make mistakes and forgive myself.

I am free to let go of others’ judgments.

My life is a celebration of my accomplishments.

My every step is one of courage.

Abundance and love flow from me.

I honor my own life path.

Quotes

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” Christopher Germer

“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” Mary Dunbar

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Sharon Salzberg

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” Brené Brown

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” Malcolm S. Forbes

“There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?” C. JoyBell C.

“Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head.” Victoria Moran

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” Diane Von Furstenberg

“I love myself for I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now.” Louise Hay

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.” Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale

“You can succeed if nobody else believes it, but you will never succeed if you don’t believe in yourself.” William J. H. Boetcker

“I was once afraid of people saying ‘Who does she think she is?’ Now I have the courage to stand and say ‘This is who I am.’” Oprah Winfrey

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” Christopher K. Germer

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”―Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

“An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of ourselves–the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place.”—Marshall Rosenberg, Non-Violent Communication

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”—Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”—Steve Furtick

“When you say ‘Yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.” —Paulo Cohelo

“Flowers don’t open and close according to whose walking by. They open and show their beauty regardless.” Rebecca Campbell – Light Is The New Black

“Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.” Confucius

“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” – Jean Shinoda Bolen

Learning to love yourself is like learning to walk—essential, life-changing, and the only way to stand tall.” – Vironika Tugaleva

“There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.” – Brian Andreas

Do you have a favorite affirmation or quote that you use to be kind to your self? Tell me in the comments.

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Personal Development, Self Care

How To Show Self Compassion

May 6, 2020

How are you doing? Where are you in this strange world we are living in? Maybe you are one of those people who is maximizing your time by taking courses, organizing your home or being productive with your work. Maybe you are on the other end of the spectrum and it’s all you can do to get out of bed and get dressed. Chances are, you are probably somewhere in the middle. Especially if you are a mom trying to hold down a job, homeschool kids and take care of the house. Where ever you are at this moment, I want to remind you to show some self compassion.

I’m writing about self compassion today because it is a struggle I am having. Chances are, I’m not alone in this. When the stay at home orders first started, I was thankful that I had some extra time to put towards my coaching and this blog. I was excited to have extra time with my daughter. I always wanted to stay at home with her, so I was looking atthis as an opportunity. For the first couple of weeks, things were going great. I had lots of motivation and my daughter was loving having me at home.

As time passes, I have lost the motivation to write which leaves me discouraged. I’ve also noticed behavioral changes in my daughter. She’s angry that she can’t go back to school and she misses her friends. She always tells me that she’s scared, but when I ask her what is scaring her she tells me, “monsters.” I’m wondering if it’s really monsters she’s scared of or is it something else. Is she scared that we may get sick? Is she scared of something she can’t put into words? She’s only four, so much of this is beyond her comprehension, but she is piecing things together and trying to make sense of it all. I’m trying to help her stay motivated with her learning, but she can’t focus. Quite frankly, neither can I.

Is it time to get back to the drawing board? Probably. We need to take a new approach. I’ve started with toy and book rotation, more snuggle time and a lot more going with the flow. As a coach, it’s my job to help others stay motivated and working towards achieving their goals, but I am only human and I am definitely feeling overwhelmed, sad and frusterated.

Your Challenges

What are your struggles?

Is it a lack of motivation?
Is it work/life balance?
Are your kids having trouble adjusting to the changes?
Are you unemployed and or in a career transition?
Is it cabin fever?

Whatever your challenges are, let’s start by being kind and compassionate with ourselves. We are in extraordinary circumstances.

What is self compassion?

The definition of self compassion is is the extension of kindness, care, warmth, and understanding (instead of beratement and criticism) toward oneself when faced with shortcomings, inadequacies, or failures.

When I think of self compassion, I picture this situation. When your friend is going through a tough time, what do you tell them? If your friend tells you she let the kids eat junk food because she didn’t feel like cooking or that they sat in front of the tv for too long, what would you tell her? You would probably tell her to be kind to herself. You’d tell her to try again tomorrow and not to worry so much. You wouldn’t tell her that she’s a terrible mother for not feeding organic or putting the kids in front of the tv so that she can get a moment of peace. If we are kind and compassionate with our friends, why do we criticize ourselves for the same actions?

Tips for Self Compassion

1. Say kind things to yourself.

If those negative statements pop into your head when you lose motivation, snap at your children or forget to take care of yourself, try using a positive statement instead.

I will use calm words with my children.

I may be overwhelmed, but I am a good mother.

I will start fresh tomorrow.

I have achieved these goals and will achieve my goals in the future.

Whatever your negative self-talk is, think of positive statements to challenge these beliefs. Write them down if you have to.

2. Stop and practice gratitude.

Whether it is in your head, on paper or in your phone, stop and write a few things you are grateful for. It may bring you joy and help you feel centered again.

3. Practice self-care.

If you are able to take just a short break to something for your self, it can make all the difference. Here are some ideas.

Journaling,

Meditation,

Taking a walk,

Take a bubble bath,

Have your favorite drink or comfort food,

Read a book or maybe just one chapter.

4. Connect With Others

If you can’t seem to give your self any compassion, reach out to someone who will lift you up. Call a friend, a family member or others in your network. Sometimes, it helps to talk things out. You may come away with a new perspective or will feel better in knowing that someone else understands and has your back.

Where ever you are at this point, it is okay. If you are on fire with ambition, that’s awesome! If you are feeling down, be kind to yourself. If you and your kids are driving each other crazy, take a break if you can and find something you can enjoy. That’s what I’ve been doing this week. I’m taking care of myself so that when I come back, I will have more positive energy and a renewed sense of purpose. Most importantly, I am showing some self compassion and I hope these tips help you do the same.

How are you and your children coping with all of this? Tell me in the comments.

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