Feelings

What To Do When You Want to Feel Grateful, but Don’t

November 30, 2020

I was going to end my gratitude series with a post on the 20 things I’m thankful for in 2020, but whenever I sit down to write this post, I’m not feeling grateful. I’m thinking about all the things that are not working for me right now and I’m thinking about everything wrong in the world. That doesn’t leave much head space for gratitude. Rather than try to force myself to write a post that’s not coming, I thought why not share strategies to help you when you are having difficulty feeling grateful. Here are three strategies that can help you when you want to feel gratitude, but don’t.

Accept Your Feelings

Everyone knows that it’s better to have positive thoughts. I don’t think anyone consciously wants to stay in a negative thought pattern, but it’s easy to get stuck there. I think of it as a spiral. Something negative can happen to me in the morning and it can effect me for the rest of the day. On the other hand if something really positive happens, your thoughts start to go upward and you notice the positive things that are happening. This is why well meaning people say things like, “think positive” or “be grateful for what you have.” Well, there are times when life feels pretty shitty and you can’t see the beauty because you are living your nightmare day after day. The nightmare is different for everyone. It could be an abusive relationship, a horrible job, a bad break up, losing a loved one etc. There is usually something to be grateful for in the end no matter the situation, but sometimes it can be microscopic.

If you’re the person who needs the magnifying glass right now to see beauty in your life or to find that shred of gratitude, it’s okay. I’ll say that again, it’s okay not to feel grateful every moment. It makes those moments when you feel real gratitude even more powerful. Just notice how you are feeling and let it pass. You are not a horrible person if you weren’t spilling over with gratitude over the Thanksgiving holiday. I know I wasn’t and I felt guilty about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is healthier to accept my feelings.

Make a Happy List

While there are so many benefits of gratitude, that doesn’t matter if you are not feeling it. Your mindset doesn’t change over night. Sometimes, we have to take baby steps. Rather than thinking about things you are grateful for, start by thinking about or making a list of what makes you happy. What makes you smile? What makes you laugh? You may be thinking, but isn’t that a gratitude list? Well, in a way it is since gratitude and happiness are closely linked. I want to take gratitude out of the equation for now because if you are not feeling grateful, you may feel pressured to come up with things you are grateful for. On the other hand, it’s not usually hard to come up with a list of things that make you happy.

This list can be as short or long as you want. It can be things from both past and present. Here’s a sample list I came up with.
Rosebud, mocha coffee, cupcakes, making people laugh, the beach, reading a good book, when someone says something I wrote helped them, wearing a pretty dress, snuggling with Diamond, hot chocolate, cheese cake, days off, chats with friends, when I’ve helped a coaching client, baby laughter, etc. I could go on and on, but you get the point. After you’ve made your list, how do you feel? Do you feel happier? Are you feeling more grateful than when you started?

Reverse Bucket List

When you think of a bucket list, you usually think of all the things you want to do in the future. Well, a reverse bucket list is all the amazing things you’ve already done.

What have you accomplished that you are proud of?
What events have made your life meaningful?
What have you really enjoyed about your life?

The purpose of doing this list is to remind yourself of the great things you’ve done in your past. Some examples may be having your children, meeting your partner, your wedding day, an amazing vacation, getting an advanced degree, a career switch, buying a home, learning an important lesson etc. You may in fact be grateful for these things, but haven’t stopped to appreciate them. This way, if you aren’t feeling grateful in the moment, you can recall things that will bring you back to feeling gratitude.

Did you have trouble feeling gratitude this season? What do you do when you are feeling ungrateful? Tell me in the comments.

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Equality

I Stand With You

June 3, 2020

For days, I’ve been wondering what to say. I just haven’t had the words, but there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to get it wrong. I want to be supportive and create a safe space, but I worry about saying the wrong thing and hurting people further. I mean well in my heart, but I’m not a person of color, so I can’t speak to that reality. If I say nothing, that may be taken as a sign that I am okay with racism and police brutality, so it’s better to use my voice as a blogger to contribute to making the world a better place. As a coach, it is my responsibility to make my clients feel safe and respected. If a woman of color finds my blog, I want her to know that she is welcomed and accepted here for who she is.

As I have been watching the events of the past week unfold, I have become deeply saddened and appalled by the racism in our country and the lack of leadership and kindness from the powers that be. The division of our country is heartbreaking to watch, but even more than that, it’s heartbreaking to see the pain of people who have been oppressed and under valued for generations. It’s heartbreaking to see people get murdered needlessly because of the color of their skin. My thoughts are with those who are no longer with us because of police brutality. I hope their families can somehow find peace.

I hope anyone reading this sees that I’m coming from a place of love and compassion. Not only for people of color, but for humanity itself. I will acknowledge that I’m white and have no idea what it’s like to be a person of color and never will, but there are definitely pieces of this that I understand from a human perspective, loving people of color as well as being apart of a group who has been oppressed and under valued by society. However, I won’t share my stories now because it is not the time. It is time to listen to our friends and community members of color. It is time that their voices be heard. It is time for real change. We can’t go back to normal before the pandemic. That normal is just too scary for too many people in our country.

Black Lives Matter

As white people, we have to examine why we feel triggered or threatened when we hear a black person say black lives matter. Just because a black person tells you that their lives matter doesn’t mean that yours don’t. It means that we all matter equally or at least we should. At the same time, there is wide spread police brutality. Yes, it happens to white people too and it shouldn’t be tolerated in any form. The police are supposed to serve and protect. This is something we need to address as a society. I know this is uncomfortable, but stay with me. We definitely need to work on this together, but first we need to start healing the pain that is right in front of us at this moment.

Justice for George Floyd

Right now, there is outrage over the murder of George Floyd and the others before him. Emotions are running high and people have been traumatized. Lives have been lost, businesses have been lost and peace of mind has been lost. Hatred is spreading like wildfire. The thing is, we may be feeling unsafe now, but can you imagine feeling like that every time you step out of your home for years on end?

Show Compassion and Understanding

This may be a bad analogy, but if a friend comes to you crying, heartbroken and in pain, do you tell them, “my pain is just as great as your pain.” No, you’d sit with them. You’d care for them. You’d lift them up with kind words and or actions. In return, when you are in pain, they’d sit with you and care for you. A level of trust has been built. Then comes the time to bond over shared experiences. Traumatic or otherwise. This is what we need to do for people of color right now. We need to listen and be supportive because as white people, we will never fully understand their reality.

We Need Each Other

The truth is we all matter, but, none of us matter if we are not treated as equals. Why not start out by reaching out, listening to each other and speaking up when we see racism and injustice in action? I don’t have the answers, but I see it as one large complicated puzzle that we have to work on together. When you start a puzzle, it makes sense to start with the edges and then work your way towards the middle. I see the racism, division and hatred as the edges. As we put them together, that stuff starts to disappear and we start to see the middle, the bigger picture. The picture where we are all connected. We can see all around the puzzle and see how the pieces form together to create the whole image. In that image, we see our differences, the things we value and our shared experiences. We see our history and the things we’ve overcome. We see the things we can accomplish when we are united.

Making Our World Safe

In order to start thinking about the police brutality problem across all races, we have to start putting the puzzle together first. We have to stand with people of color. Standing together brings healing and builds trust. One person has to reach out first and people of color have asked us as white people to stand with them. I stand with you. My blog is a safe place for moms of color.

I hope that one day black parents won’t have to have these discussions with their children about how to be safe around the police. I hope that one day, parents of color won’t have to tell their children about the hatred in the world based simply on the color of their skin. I hope that one day, our multiracial children will feel proud of every part of their identity. They won’t have to pass as something else or hide the parts that make them unique and wonderful. They won’t have to deal with stereotypes, discrimination, hatred or feeling afraid for their lives. It all starts at home. We need to tell our children about race and that our experiences may be different from what others experience. We need to show children that diversity is valued and respected. We need to have uncomfortable discussions with friends or family members to help all of us grow. We need to start healing and putting our country back together, but this time, we need to create an environment that is tolerant, strong, safe and a more just place.

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Personal Development, Self Care

How To Show Self Compassion

May 6, 2020

How are you doing? Where are you in this strange world we are living in? Maybe you are one of those people who is maximizing your time by taking courses, organizing your home or being productive with your work. Maybe you are on the other end of the spectrum and it’s all you can do to get out of bed and get dressed. Chances are, you are probably somewhere in the middle. Especially if you are a mom trying to hold down a job, homeschool kids and take care of the house. Where ever you are at this moment, I want to remind you to show some self compassion.

I’m writing about self compassion today because it is a struggle I am having. Chances are, I’m not alone in this. When the stay at home orders first started, I was thankful that I had some extra time to put towards my coaching and this blog. I was excited to have extra time with my daughter. I always wanted to stay at home with her, so I was looking atthis as an opportunity. For the first couple of weeks, things were going great. I had lots of motivation and my daughter was loving having me at home.

As time passes, I have lost the motivation to write which leaves me discouraged. I’ve also noticed behavioral changes in my daughter. She’s angry that she can’t go back to school and she misses her friends. She always tells me that she’s scared, but when I ask her what is scaring her she tells me, “monsters.” I’m wondering if it’s really monsters she’s scared of or is it something else. Is she scared that we may get sick? Is she scared of something she can’t put into words? She’s only four, so much of this is beyond her comprehension, but she is piecing things together and trying to make sense of it all. I’m trying to help her stay motivated with her learning, but she can’t focus. Quite frankly, neither can I.

Is it time to get back to the drawing board? Probably. We need to take a new approach. I’ve started with toy and book rotation, more snuggle time and a lot more going with the flow. As a coach, it’s my job to help others stay motivated and working towards achieving their goals, but I am only human and I am definitely feeling overwhelmed, sad and frusterated.

Your Challenges

What are your struggles?

Is it a lack of motivation?
Is it work/life balance?
Are your kids having trouble adjusting to the changes?
Are you unemployed and or in a career transition?
Is it cabin fever?

Whatever your challenges are, let’s start by being kind and compassionate with ourselves. We are in extraordinary circumstances.

What is self compassion?

The definition of self compassion is is the extension of kindness, care, warmth, and understanding (instead of beratement and criticism) toward oneself when faced with shortcomings, inadequacies, or failures.

When I think of self compassion, I picture this situation. When your friend is going through a tough time, what do you tell them? If your friend tells you she let the kids eat junk food because she didn’t feel like cooking or that they sat in front of the tv for too long, what would you tell her? You would probably tell her to be kind to herself. You’d tell her to try again tomorrow and not to worry so much. You wouldn’t tell her that she’s a terrible mother for not feeding organic or putting the kids in front of the tv so that she can get a moment of peace. If we are kind and compassionate with our friends, why do we criticize ourselves for the same actions?

Tips for Self Compassion

1. Say kind things to yourself.

If those negative statements pop into your head when you lose motivation, snap at your children or forget to take care of yourself, try using a positive statement instead.

I will use calm words with my children.

I may be overwhelmed, but I am a good mother.

I will start fresh tomorrow.

I have achieved these goals and will achieve my goals in the future.

Whatever your negative self-talk is, think of positive statements to challenge these beliefs. Write them down if you have to.

2. Stop and practice gratitude.

Whether it is in your head, on paper or in your phone, stop and write a few things you are grateful for. It may bring you joy and help you feel centered again.

3. Practice self-care.

If you are able to take just a short break to something for your self, it can make all the difference. Here are some ideas.

Journaling,

Meditation,

Taking a walk,

Take a bubble bath,

Have your favorite drink or comfort food,

Read a book or maybe just one chapter.

4. Connect With Others

If you can’t seem to give your self any compassion, reach out to someone who will lift you up. Call a friend, a family member or others in your network. Sometimes, it helps to talk things out. You may come away with a new perspective or will feel better in knowing that someone else understands and has your back.

Where ever you are at this point, it is okay. If you are on fire with ambition, that’s awesome! If you are feeling down, be kind to yourself. If you and your kids are driving each other crazy, take a break if you can and find something you can enjoy. That’s what I’ve been doing this week. I’m taking care of myself so that when I come back, I will have more positive energy and a renewed sense of purpose. Most importantly, I am showing some self compassion and I hope these tips help you do the same.

How are you and your children coping with all of this? Tell me in the comments.

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Activities For Kids, Motherhood

How To Help Children Work Through Feelings

April 19, 2020

This week on the blog, I’ve talked about how to sit with our feelings at this uncertain time. If you missed the post, I shared several strategies to help us work through our feelings. As adults, we understand what Is going on the world around us and of course, we are feeling many strong emotions. We may be feeling fear, sadness, anxiety and or grief.

Our kids are having these feelings too and the hard part is they may not even know how to describe what they are feeling. Young children are just learning how to regulate their emotions and express themselves. They may start acting out, become withdrawn or become extra clingy during this time. They hear our conversations and see the news if they have it on. They are hearing things they don’t understand and are picking up on whatever their family members may be feeling. Their worlds have also been turned upside down. Their routines may be totally different with the school closures and parents now working from home or not working at all. Even though all this extra time at home with our families can be wonderful, it’s a huge change.

However, there are things we can do to help our toddlers and preschoolers understand and work through their feelings. We can help our youngest toddlers label their feelings and we can help our older preschoolers work through their feelings by playing and creating. I have compiled a list of activities that parents can use to help their toddlers and preschoolers recognize, label and work through their feelings.

Art Feelings Activities for Toddlers and Preschoolers

The Feelings Collage

What you do:

Look through magazines or print off pictures from the internet that express different feelings. Then glue them on paper.

Paper Bag Puppet

What you do:

Take a brown paper bag and draw or create a face using materials from around the house.

Materials may include googly eyes, felt, tissue paper, foil, paper scraps cut into different shapes etc. Be creative!

Dry Erase Faces

What you do:

Print off blank pictures of faces like these coloring pages from Dabbles & Babbles. Then have your children color them, expressing whatever they are feeling. Then erase and start over.

Open Ended Drawing or Painting

Have your children draw or paint whatever comes to mind. Then talk about the picture. They may open up about their thoughts and feelings.

Play-dough

This is usually classified as a sensory activity, but it is creative as well. Make silly faces out of play-dough or let your children use their imaginations to create whatever comes to mind. They can also add items to the faces like beads, pompoms, googly eyes, rocks, shells etc. You could do this with modeling clay as well. It makes a perfect mixed media art activity.

Story Writing for Preschoolers

Have your child dictate a story to you and write it down. My daughter loves to do this. It’s a great window into your child’s thoughts. You can either make the story into a homemade book letting the child draw the pictures or keep it as is.

Family Feelings Activities

The Happy List

Have the child make a list of things that make him or her happy. They can draw pictures to go with it and you could turn it into a happy book. This could be done with other feelings as well. You could also make it a family happiness list and write down things that make each family member happy.

Feel Good Jar

Talk with the child about how to make others feel good. Each morning, they can either draw a name from the jar or an action depending on how you want to set this up. You could either put in the names of your family members or you could write down actions instead and the child can pick who they want to do something nice for that day. Here are some action examples.

Give a complement,

Give a hug,

Share a snack,

Take a walk together,

Call a friend,

Help a family member with a chore,

Tell someone you love them,

Make a homemade card,

Share a toy.

The Bruised Apple

This is a good activity to do in a classroom setting, but you could do it at home as well. It’s a good activity for teaching how our words or actions can hurt other people without us knowing it. All you do is have the child hit the apple on a table or the floor. Then cut it open to see the bruising inside.

Conversations About Feelings With Kids

Sometimes the best way to teach something is to slip it into everyday conversations or activities.

One way is using the daily calendar. We have a calendar that has a space for feelings. Ask the child how they are feeling and have them put the face on the calendar.

Since we are all stuck at home, there may be more screen time than usual, so talk about the shows your child is watching. Many shows have feelings, friendship or specific fears as themes for specific episodes. My daughter watches Bubble Guppies, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie and Pete The Cat. Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood is another show that talks about emotions often. There are many episodes of kids shows that talk about being sick and or going to the doctors. With all this talk of sickness due to covid19, that may be worth exploring with your kids as well. They may have new fears about sickness and going to the doctors. My daughter has mentioned being afraid of the doctor several times since the pandemic started. I know she’s not alone.

Feelings Snacks for Kids

You can tie the feelings theme into meal times by having kids make faces on their food while preparing it. This works best with foods with toppings.

Mini pizzas,

Pancakes,

Rice cakes with peanut butter.

English muffins with peanut butter.

Feelings Activities Resources

I’ll leave you with a few extra resources that you can explore. If you want books, games and even more activities, check out these informative web pages.

If you are looking for games, songs and even pretend play activities with a feelings theme, check out this list of feelings activities for preschoolers.

Here is another great resource for art, math and even science feelings activities.

Check out this list of 10 books to help kids understand their feelings.

What are you doing to help your kids work through difficult emotions during this strange time? Tell me in the comments.

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Personal Development, Self Care

How To Sit With Your Feelings

April 15, 2020

In my last post, I talked about how we can use the time in quarantine for personal development. Coincidentally, an article came across my newsfeed about how there is this push to make ourselves a project during this time. While I agree that there has been a push to use this time to improve ourselves, I don’t see it as a bad thing. I see it as one way we can put positivity back into our lives. Also, I think if you see yourself as a project, it diminishes your worth. If you see yourself as a complete being that is constantly evolving, doesn’t that sound better?

Pay Attention to Your Feelings

That being said, the author brought up a really good point that I want to focus on. When there is a huge push to go, go, go, it is distracting. When we are constantly in motion, we don’t have time to sift through our feelings. While I think it is a great idea to do some personal development during this time, I encourage you to incorporate working through these difficult feelings as a part of your routine.

This is a tragedy like no other in our lifetime. It is effecting everyone in different ways. People are losing their lives. Families are losing loved ones. To make things worse, family members can’t be with their loved ones who have to die alone. It’s heartbreaking even if you aren’t going through it. On the flip side, there are people getting sick, but they are fully recovering. The scary thing is you never know who will be the lucky ones. As this goes on, you might be feeling grief, sadness, worry and fear.

Then there is all the other stuff. You might be unemployed and not sure when you will get your next check. You might be worried about getting enough food or personal products. You can’t go see family members or friends. Schools are closed and you might be trying to homeschool your children. Children are missing their friends and normal routines. Students can’t have proms or graduation ceremonies. Vacations and weddings have been canceled. Then there are all the pregnant women who have their own set of challenges. It’s a scary and strange time and we all will have to deal with our feelings at some point.

Strategies to Cope With Strong Feelings

Simply acknowledge the feelings.

Recognize them, name them in your head and allow yourself to feel them.

Journal

Write everything down. Give yourself that safe space to let go of everything.

Release the feelings

For some people, it helps to wrip up or burn the paper after they’ve written about a negative event or negative feelings. It’s a way of releasing that negative energy from your mind and your physical space.

Other people just need to have a good cry or can release the feelings by doing something physical. You can either go for a walk, do a workout at home or take a bike ride.

Create

Some people work through feelings by creating something. You can use any kind of art, music or writing to express yourself.

Reach Out

Even though we are apart, we are all in this together. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend or family member. Sometimes just asking someone how they are doing can make all the difference. Mental health is so important and if you know someone who is struggling, please reach out to them. If you are struggling and need to talk to a therapist, don’t be afraid to reach out. It really can help to talk to someone.

If we all take this time now to work through how we are feeling, we will come out of this that much stronger. If you are one of those people who is constantly in motion distracting yourself, take a few minutes to stop and breathe. Let yourself feel even if it is hard. We will get through this eventually. Things will never quite be the same, but we will find our way down this new path together.

How are you holding up during these tough times? Tell me in the comments.

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