The Rose

Teddy Bears and Picnics

This is one of those slippery issues because it involves family, gift giving and societal pressures. Have you ever been in the situation where a family member gives your child a toy that was completely inappropriate? It could’ve been a toy that was developmentally too young or too old. Maybe it was something you’ve already said flat out no to, but they showed up with it anyway. Perhaps, they gave your four-year-old, a highly suggestive twerking doll. Yes, that really happened to a family member of mine.

A variety of objects flying down into a cardboard box.

My mom took Rosebud grocery shopping today and they stopped by the toy isle. They came home with toy squirt guns and that’s where it gets uncomfortable for me. First, I know my mom is just being nice by buying her toys, but she usually buys balls, coloring books and stuffed animals. The toys you would expect. She grew up in a different time and we have a huge hunting culture here where I live. However, I’m opposed to hunting. Not to mention, when I was a little older than Rosebud, I played with squirt guns. I had one of those super soakers. If you remember those, they were big and a pain in the ass to carry around once they were filled with water. Most of my friends were boys at that time in my life so I played with what they played with. Did I have fun? Yes. Did we hurt anyone. No. Did we know the difference between our toys and real guns? Yes, absolutely! Many of my friends parents had talked to them about guns because they were kept in locked cabinets mainly for the purposes of hunting, but my friends knew not to touch them because their parents had talked about the safety risks. When I was about ten, my brother who is much older than me, showed me his gun once and told me that if I saw it anywhere in the house to never touch it. I don’t know where he kept it. I’m assuming it was in his bedroom, but just seeing it and knowing what it could do scared me.

My short phase of shooting squirt guns with the boys had long past. Playing with those toys didn’t turn me into a violent person or make me a gun fanatic. I like to think that I am a kind sensible person. I don’t know why I’m so bothered by toys that Rosebud will probably barely remember in the grand scheme of things. Part of me worries that people will think I’m a bad parent if Rosebud said anything about playing with toy guns. Then people would wonder what I’m teaching her or allowing her to see. I know I wonder that about some of the kids I work with. The ones who often talk about punching people and going around pretending to shoot guns. The teacher in me is conflicted. We don’t allow play with violent themes in our preschool class which I am fine with. However, I know that the best way for children to explore some of these really difficult themes is through play. It’s hard between finding a balance between exploration and working through issues and not hurting and scaring the other children.

It’s also about what it represents. We live in a different kind of world today. They report that the actual numbers of violent crimes are lower than they used to be, but they are so much more in our face with the constant media exposure. There is also the disconnect between children and adults. We might spend more time in the same spaces, but communicate less.

A toddler having a picnic with her teddy bears.Rosebud had fun chasing and squirting me for about five minutes and while I never used the words shoot or gun, that doesn’t change the facts. It’s still a toy gun. I don’t want to have to talk about guns and all their consequences. I don’t want to explain how guns hurt and kill people, sometimes even children. One day I will have to when she’s old enough to understand and ask questions. For now, my Rosebud still drinks from a sippy, asks for stroller rides and won’t let go of her pacie. Children deserve that safety and innocence for as long as possible. Maybe it’s hypocritical based on my own childhood experiences, but I prefer Rosebud sticks to baking pretend pies, turning household objects into musical instruments and picnics with teddy bears. What do you do with toys you don’t approve of from well-meaning family members? Let me know in the comments.


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Rainbows and Oreos; A 90’s Childhood

Rainbows and Oreos pin

I’m a child of the 80’s and 90’s. It’s amazing how much the atmosphere has changed since then. Kids spend far less time outside, there have been huge advances in technology, an even larger push to be politically correct and an increase in public displays of hatred and the endless worrying for our children’s safety, even in schools where they are supposed to be safe. When I was growing up, I could play outside freely and no one ever dreamed of a school shooting. Most kids I knew ate what they wanted because we all got plenty of exercise. There wasn’t as much of a concern for eating healthy or putting children on diets.

A collage of items from the 90’s.
Toys

Remember when kids played with toys that allowed children to use their imagination? Battery operated toys were the exception. A large box could be turned into a grocery store or an ice cream shop at a moments notice. These were the days of My Little Pony, Cabbage Patch and Strawberry Shortcake. I loved the strawberry shortcake scented dolls. My favorite stuffed animal was a Hallmark Rainbow Bright Cat. I lost mine and am still looking for one at a reasonable price to this day!

Plush Hallmark Rainbow Bright cat.


I had to have an Etch a Sketch. My secret was that I couldn’t see any of the lines it made, but I had to have one anyway. Now, the Light Bright I could see and make designs with. How about those jelly bracelets? The ones with the glitter in them? I wore those for a year straight after a friend and I traded bracelets in class. Trading jewelry was a favorite pass time in second grade.



Two friends sitting together, eating popcorn.

Entertainment

In the 90’s our entertainment on the television consisted of talk shows, game shows and sit-coms. These were the days when Maury Povich used to feature other topics besides paternity. How about when MTV played actual music? If they weren’t playing music videos, the shows were related to music. What about the movies? The first movie I saw with a group of friends was, “Dumb and Dumber”. We laughed at the bulldog mixed with Shih Tzu joke. For my 13th birthday, a few of us saw the movie, “Scream.” My mom asked me what the movie was about and my response was, “I don’t know. A girl.” I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of it. I rarely ever saw horror movies in our home so it was a treat. I saw Titanic three times in the theater. Yes, I cried and yes, it’s embarrassing! To defend myself, I went with different people each time. Music was another big part of our entertainment. Most of the stuff I listened to would be cringe worthy today, but it was popular at the time. Back then, when you were looking for uncensored music or if you wanted to hear rap and r&B in general, you had to find the nearest college radio stations. then you had to figure out when they played the types of music you liked. In the small town where I lived, they never played that stuff on mainstream radio. The other option was to watch MTV Jams first thing in the morning before school.

Girl talking on corded phone.

Technology

Technology moves fast, doesn’t it? I remember cassettes with their ribbons breaking constantly. I’d buy blank tapes and record from the radio. The most annoying thing was when the DJ talked over the intro or ending of a song. If you got a sudden burst of static, that ruined your recording too. After cassettes came cd’s. Those were a step up, but they still got scratched and skipped. Who knew at the time that they’d be basically obsolete within a decade. Let’s not forget the phones. When you had to pull that phone chord as far as it would go to get into a comfortable position because you talked on the phone for hours. then there were those situations where you needed to get to the other end of the house. “Hold on, I have to put the phone down.” Then you’d run to pick up another phone. Enter the cordless phone and problem solved. Almost every bit of technology changed since then as we moved into the digital age.

Oreos and a glass of milk

Snacks

Who remembers the Oreo Big Stuf? I almost thought I had dreamed this up until I saw them on Wikipedia. They were a real invention because I remember taking them apart, eating them piece by piece at my grandfather’s kitchen table. They were discontinued in 1991, so I hadn’t given any thought to how many calories in every bight. That would come a few years later when I started to worry about my weight and struggled with body image like most girls do. I remember large Hostess cupcakes, squeezable juices, fruity numbers and girl scout cookies that were reasonably priced. Well, at least compared to today’s prices. This was back when your happy meal came in an actual plastic lunch box and a lot of fast food places gave you reusable cups or bottles. There were so many different snacks and candy and I can’t even remember what most of them were called.

Two friends talking and doing each other’s nails.
Friendships
What I miss most of all is the friendships. My best friend and I would talk about our aspirations. We thought we should open up a beauty salon when we grew up. I’d do the shampooing and she’d do the cutting. We talked about the names of our future children, our dream houses and places we wanted to see. We took trips to the beach, shopped at the mall, went to the movies and skated at the roller rink. We ate mozzarella sticks and drank slushies. We’d make stupid jokes and laughed until it hurt. We’d get up at 3 AM to play Super Mario Brothers. We had used nail polish and did a terrible job. By the time we realized there was no nail polish remover, it was way too late. We thought we’d try Soft Scrub instead. Needless to say, that didn’t work, but it was a hell of a shock to her mom. We were like family and I spent almost as much time at her house as I did my own.

Rainbows and Oreos pin

It was one of those friendships where you knew there’d be someone to call at the end of the day. You knew your weekend plans were set before they were even officially made. You knew you’d never be alone. We experimented with makeup and talked about boys. Unfortunately, we talked about other girls too and that was a huge downfall. Eventually, that friendship fell apart. After the cliques were formed and our interest in boys grew, it was never the same. There were more disagreements, our common interests faded and our differences became more apparent. Things that never mattered before suddenly did because when people get older, their perceptions change. If there was one thing I could put in a time capsule to save from my childhood, it wouldn’t be treasured well-loved toys, those jelly bracelets or the candy that brings back memories. It would be friendship. It would be the happy memories, the laughs and that feeling of belonging and never being alone.

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Prime Day 2018: Bargains for Busy Moms

If you are a busy multitasking mom, there are never enough hours in the day so finding time and money saving apps, products or services can be a life saver. Anything that makes life less stressful or reduces the amount of rushing around is fantastic!

A busy mom working while playing with her daughter.For those who don’t know, Prime Day starts tomorrow, July 16th at 3 p.m. ET. I have been an Amazon Prime subscriber for years. You can find just about anything on Amazon and the best thing about Prime is that you can have these items shipped to your door. If you’re a Prime subscriber, two day shipping is free and one day shipping is only $3.99. They are offering a 30 day free trial for new subscribers. There is no better time to take advantage of this than on Prime day when you have access to tons of deals. Prime Day – Prime Membership $3 bounty

Some of the other Prime benefits include access to a large library of kindle books, access to their music streaming service and having clothing shipped right to your door. You can try the clothes on in the privacy of your own home and if you don’t like the clothing, you can return the package with no hassle. It’s already labeled so just drop it in the mailbox. I have yet to take advantage of the Amazon Fresh program as it’s not available in my area, but I am a huge fan of having groceries delivered to your door. If you are a busy mom, this can save you time and money so why not give it a try if it is available in your area?
Prime Day – Amazon Fresh $5 bounty

Another time saver is the Instant Pot. Moms on the message boards are crazy about these. On Prime Day, they usually have great deals on the Instant Pot. I love things that help me save time with meal prep so I really want to see what all the hype is about.
A weekly schedule on a white board next to a cup of coffee.
It’s important that we do things for ourselves too, even when we are multitasking. Are there books that you have been dying to read? I joined Audible several years ago and have been addicted ever since. I can listen while I clean, sit outside and Audible books were a life saver during my nursing and pumping days. Audible is great for busy parents on the go as you can listen during your commute. for Prime day, Amazon is offering a 60% discount on an Audible subscription. Normally a membership is $14.95 per month, but for Prime day, it is $4.95 per month for new subscribers. If you enjoy audio books, this is worth taking advantage of.
Prime Day – Audible $10 bounty
If you prefer reading, Amazon offers a Kindle Unlimited subscription where you have access to millions of books for a monthly fee. Think of it as a library, but in digital form. You also get access to audio books and magazines with this subscription. For Prime Day, new subscribers get a three month subscription for 99 cents. I’ve been wanting to try Kindle Unlimited and this would be a great way to try it at very little cost. the great thing is you can access your books from the kindle app on any device. When I read kindle books, I use the app on my iPhone.

Prime Day – Kindle Unlimited $3 bounty
I’ve used Amazon’s subscribe and save feature on everything from diapers, to cat food and even batteries. If you have five items in your delivery, you save an additional 20% off your purchase. I love that essential items will arrive at my door each month and I don’t even have to think about them. I don’t have to make late night runs to the store for diapers. I don’t have to worry that the cats will run out of food. I can get great deals on essentials like soap and toothpaste. Also, I can try new products or find products that they have stopped carrying in the local stores. You can stop or modify subscriptions at any time. My only complaint is that you can’t pick the shipping date. there are times when I want my shipment to arrive sooner. Overall, it’s a great service. Here are some of the products you can subscribe to get each month.
I’ve been using these diapers since Rosebud was a newborn and they’ve worked wonderfully.

With a deal like this, you’ll have plenty of batteries. I was always in search of batteries before finding these because it seems every toy under the sun is battery operated.
I can’t find these dryer sheets locally anymore, but I love the scent. Luckily they are apart of the Subscribe and Save program.

Since Rosebud isn’t potty trained yet, I’m still using these. They can ship right with the diapers or you can change the frequency of deliveries for each item.

I usually buy Sparkle paper towels, but you can find the brand of your choice.

I hope you have found this helpful. Enjoy Prime Day and happy shopping!

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Owning My Guilt

I'm reading Cara Alwill Leyba's new book, "Like She Owns The place”.

For those who don't know, Cara is an author and master life coach who works to help women empower themselves and change their mindset. I found her online several years ago and discovered that a lot of her message resonates with me.

One passage she wrote about guilt in, "Like She Owns the Place" stood out to me. She discusses the idea that women often feel guilty due to external forces. Such as ones culture, religion or the society they live in. It may come from childhood experiences or friends and family making them feel guilty. This may be intentional or not, but never the less, the guilt shows up. She poses the question, if you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, why feel guilty? Cara describes one situation where she was taking a day off from work, spending the day at home. Her plan was to binge watch a show and have a glass of wine. Meanwhile, her husband decided to reorganize a closet full of Christmas decorations. Seeing this, she felt guilty and went over to help, but he encouraged her to take time for herself. That’s the sign of a good man, by the way. She said she went back to watch tv, but it didn’t come naturally to her. She felt guilty for taking time for herself and not working.

I often feel guilty over things like this. Today, my mom took Rosebud so that I could rest as I haven’t been feeling well. I can’t rest though because I start feeling guilty and thinking of everything I need to do. If I’m napping on the couch, the laundry isn’t getting done. The dishes are piled up in the sink. Rosebud's toys need to be rotated. Countertops need to be dusted. That’s just the house work. Then there’s the work you actually get paid for. I don’t feel guilty about taking time away from my job outside the home, but I feel guilt over not working on transcription stuff. I think to myself, I should be transcribing practice files or doing the business plan paper work. As with the blog posts, I set imaginary deadlines and the guilt sets in.

A tropical beach with a chair and umbrella.

This week is supposed to be my vacation, but I’m having trouble just letting it be. I always have to fill my time and not necessarily with the things I enjoy. I need to feel productive even in times when I should be resting. The mom guilt is never ending. While Rosebud is not here, I’ve spent much of my time doing things for her instead of myself. I’ve washed toys, did laundry and prepared her dinner for later. It's one way to ease the guilt of taking time away from her. Then again, when I'm spending time with her just playing, I get that nagging feeling about the house work. Then when I'm cleaning or doing other things, I feel guilty about giving her screen time. While she's away, I’ve been pondering how to take away the pacifier. Should I try a gradual approach or go cold turkey? This was prompted by her visit to the dentist this morning. In between cleaning and thoughts of the annoying paci, I wonder how she’s doing. What is she doing right now? Has she napped? What did she eat for lunch? Then I think maybe I should watch some videos of her. Oh, wait... I better get back to work.

A pencil with eraser, erasing the word, guilt.

As Cara points out in her book, when we are old, what will we be worrying about? Will we be worried about all the times we should’ve cleaned closets, typed up that report or swept the kitchen floor? Definitely not! We will be remembering things we enjoyed. The times with our loved ones, the things we’ve created or times we did something crazy, fun and memorable. The fact is, we all need time to replenish ourselves. If we don't get that, we become unhappy and lose sight of our strengths, passions and our joy. We need to start erasing some of this guilt. If not, what are we teaching our children and what are we doing to our emotional well-being? I’m finally in my element. I’m taking the time to write which makes me feel lighter and taps into my creative side. I’m sitting outside enjoying the breeze on my face, the shade of a tree and listening to the birds over head.

The big tree in my back yard.

Here are some of Cara's other books if you are interested.

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A Daffidil in a Field of Hyacinths

I was going to write an entry explaining why I haven’t been posting as much and it probably would’ve started off with the words, I’m sorry. I was going to say that I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much and I was even going to apologize for the subject matter of my recent blog posts. When I started this blog, I mainly focused on parenting and kids activities with some self care tips thrown in. I will continue to do those blog posts, but my life is changing.

Daffidil in a field of hyacinths.I’m in the beginning stages of starting a business. If I had to compare the process to anything. It would be a plant. It’s a seed right now, but every day, it gets closer to sprouting. Each day, I take one more step closer to this goal. Also, I am being inspired by different things in relation to my writing. I am thinking a lot about my past and how my experiences have shaped who I am, so I will occasionally share that with my readers. I feel that with our political climate the way it is, it is important to share experiences so we can be more connected. These days, it’s easy to lose touch with humanity. We can hide behind a screen. We can stay in our own little bubble with liked-minded people. We all need need like-minded people in our lives, but seeing other perspectives helps us grow. It seems easier than ever to exclude those who aren’t like us. They are removed from us, so it’s easy to forget that many of our experiences are the same at the roots. In order for things to improve for all of us, especially our children who are growing up in this world we don’t understand, this needs to change. What would happen if anyone could reach out and find a mutual point of understanding or a shared experience? I have to write about what inspires me even if it makes others uncomfortable. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

A cup of tea with a tea pot and pastries.This weekend, I listened to the Style Your Mind Podcast: Episode 102: Taking out the Energetic TRASH: How to Become a Match for What You Want. In this episode, Cara talks about how you should stay true to yourself and what inspires you. She talks about how you don’t need to be apologetic all the time. If you skip a day, a week or month of blogging, it’s okay. If it takes you a while to get out that latest episode of your podcast, it’s no big deal. What is a big deal is doing what inspires you and being available for those things that light you up. Honestly, I haven’t felt inspired to blog lately. I haven’t had the time nor the energy to set up crafty activities for Rosebud and I. I have come to realize that I can share more than that. Parenting is multi-faceted and so is my life. My life can be difficult, exhausting and chaotic, but it also can be productive, happy and beautiful and my blog is a snapshot of that.

Teddy bear holding sign that reads, “thank you very much.”

I will leave you with this thought. What if you framed being sorry in a positive way? I’m talking about when you are sorry for inconsequential things. Things that wouldn’t necessarily hurt anyone, but we are always apologizing for them anyway. For instance, what if you thanked someone for being patient when you are a couple minutes late? This way you aren’t feeling so negative and you are appreciating the other person for taking time to wait for you. I want to thank you, my readers for being patient with me as I find a direction for this blog. Thank you for reading my thoughts. I appreciate the comments, likes and shares. If my posts are spaced further apart, it’s because I want to write when I am inspired and not just because of an imaginary deadline I set for myself. I want to stay true to who I am and where I’m at in life. I have picked up many things from blogs I’ve read along the way. Whether it be advice, support, information, inspiration or even solidarity, I have taken those pieces and made them apart of my own journey. Thank you for sticking with me even when I am the Daffidil in the field of hyacinths.

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It’s About the Process, Not the Product

Here is another simple painting activity. All you need are some paints, paper and pinecones. Rosebud and I went over to the playground yesterday where she found a pinecone. I immediately thought we could use it for a painting activity.

We were trying to stamp with the pinecone because using it like a brush was too hard on the paper. As the title says, the process is more important than the product with this activity. My only suggestion would be to have more paints and more pinecones. I would put each color of paint in a container large enough to dip the entire pinecone so it could be stamped or rolled across the paper. I’d also suggest having one pinecone for each color of paint. I didn’t think of this until we had already gotten started.

Different colored paints with a pinecone

Eventually I had to just dump the paints on the paper because trying to dip the pinecone wasn’t working. I had little containers of paint from the dollar store. Although this didn’t work as expected, I’m interested in trying to paint with other natural items to see what we come up with.

Pinecone painting creation

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When I Become Invisible

Yesterday, I saw a post on a Facebook group that made me think about the times when I become invisible. This would be an amazing super power to have. Imagine the things you would see or hear. Unfortunately, I’m not talking about a hypothetical situation based in tales of fiction. I’m talking about an all too common occurrence.

Two cartoon people with an invisible person between them.

There are times when I’m out in public when people speak right past me as if I’m not even there. They prefer to speak to whoever I’m with. They probably figure it would be too awkward or they are just assuming that I couldn’t possibly answer a question. These questions aren’t about advanced mathematical concepts or interpreting the latest scientific research. No. They are questions like, what does she want to eat? Does she like this or that? What’s her address, phone number etc? What’s wrong with her? Why does she wear glasses? I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point. Everything they are asking, I would of course know the answers to, so is it really necessary to ask a third person?

Two women shopping.

Many years ago, I went to Cancun for a vacation. While I was there, I had my hair braided. A girl I was with had it done and I thought it looked cool. Anyway, when I came back I got lots of comments and compliments on it. It’s definitely not something you see around here every day. A friend and I stopped at a convenient store and while we were checking out, the cashier asked my friend where I had gotten my hair braided. My friend obviously knew the answer, but she did something I didn’t expect. She said, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her.” The woman got quiet for a few seconds and then turned to ask me where I had my hair done. She seemed a little embarrassed and she should’ve been. I’ve never forgotten how my friend responded in that situation. She spoke up for me, but she didn’t speak for me. She let this person know that it’s not okay to speak past me and that I’m perfectly capable of answering questions that are directly about or involving me. I wish more people thought and acted like her.

Mother and daughter at cafe.

Another time, my mom and I were eating lunch at a restaurant. The waitress stopped by and put the drinks on the table. She starts talking to my mom and mentions how she should open the straw for me. I was so shocked and pissed off that that’s all I remember from their conversation, but I snapped at the woman telling her that I can open my own straw. Here is what I don’t understand. How can someone who walks into the restaurant, picks up a menu, orders food and appears to have a normal range of movement not be capable of opening the flimsy wrapper on a damn straw? Do you need 20-20 vision to do that? I’m curious… I’m also curious how this waitress thought I was going to eat.

The waitress didn’t respond to me and quickly left the table. My mom told me how I shouldn’t have snapped at the waitress because she didn’t know. She’s an older woman and she probably doesn’t know any better. She was just trying to be helpful. She told me I should stop getting so irritated with people and just let it go. This is exactly how these situations usually play out. We are just expected to take the treatment given and be gracious even if the treatment is shitty. Oh, they were just trying to help. Oh, they don’t know how to talk to you. Oh, they are scared. Well, they weren’t talking to me. They were talking past me and assuming I can’t do the simplest of tasks. I won’t accept that kind of treatment. Would you? Would you accept that for yourself? Would you accept that for your partner, your friends, or your children?

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When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens

I’ve been thinking a lot about my career path, my purpose in life and what I’m really passionate about. I’ve been taking an honest look at what I truly want and what would be a good fit for me. I’m reminded of the paths I could’ve chosen and the doors that were opened and closed for me.

Open door to green meadows.Several years ago, I applied to a mental health counseling graduate program at one of the local universities. It was quite a process. I did a lot of research on the program to see if it would be a good fit. Everything seemed okay except I had to take the MAT. I didn’t do great on the SATs so I dreaded this and of course it was horrible. Since I didn’t have much time and all the study guides were inaccessible to me, my mom and I poured over so many words we had never heard of and or couldn’t pronounce. If you don’t know what a word means, how can you compare it to another word? Most of the MAT is analogies. The only similarity to me was that these were groups of words that no one uses, ever! I got a score on the MAT that was good enough to get into the program, but it was only by a tiny margin.

The next step was the interview. I remember sitting across from two women. I don’t remember most of the questions, but I’m sure they asked the usual things. Why do you want to do this program? I’m sure they asked about previous work and academic experience. I remember them asking if there were clients I wouldn’t want to work with. I wasn’t sure what to say. I might have mentioned something about having difficulty working with child abusers, but the main thing I remember from the interview was explaining that I get frustrated with a cookie cutter approach. I believe that since each person is an individual, their treatment shouldn’t be based on the experiences of others. It shouldn’t be based on what stereotypes of the groups the person belongs to. The assumption that everyone should be the same and respond to the same treatment is what bothers me. Maybe it’s unrealistic or idealistic, but there should always be wiggle room for someone’s individuality, autonomy and the ability to have a say in the treatment or services being provided. I answered the questions to the best of my ability so I felt optimistic when the interview was over.

Cookie cutter people.

A few weeks later, I open my mailbox to find an envelope from the school. I started opening it on my way back up to my apartment. I wasn’t concerned. I figured I’d get in. I had done everything they asked for so when I saw that I got rejected, it stung.

I always had some doubts about whether counseling was right for me. Did I really want to hear about other people’s problems day in and day out? I wasn’t sure. Did I really want to deal with all that paper work? Could I really do this for a living? These questions swirled around in my head, but friends and family thought I’d be a good counselor. They told me I’m a good listener, I’m compassionate and want to help people. They told me that since I’ve been through a lot so I should be able to help others. The question I kept asking myself was not whether I was able to, but whether I wanted to. Was I doing this for myself or to please others? They told me I’d be successful. I’d make money. They gave me all kinds of reasons so I gave it a try even though I wasn’t entirely comfortable. I told myself maybe I’d like it. Since I was having a horrible experience where I was working at the time, I figured it would be a good way out. A major step up.

Since then, I’ve wondered what went wrong. Was it the low vision? A professor once told the class that blind people couldn’t be counselors because they couldn’t see body language. Therefore, they had no way of knowing how people were feeling. Although I can see some body language, it’s limited and that’s not the primary way I know how someone is feeling. I usually don’t get this wrong. My classmates immediately told me to call in and say something to her. It was a class over ITV. I didn’t though. I was too embarrassed plus I had to have a few courses with this professor and I wanted to continue getting good grades. She had no idea about me anyway because we never met face to face. Most of us were just faceless names to her. Maybe these interviewers felt the same way? It also could’ve been an answer to a question or the other applicants had better test scores. It could’ve been any number of reasons.

Just because my path is different, doesn’t mean I’m lost.

I shed a tear or two over that letter. They said I could reapply the following year, but I knew in that moment I never would. I took it as a sign that counseling wasn’t the right fit. Now that I think back. I am glad things turned out the way they did. My tears were more about failing or being rejected. I was disappointed that I didn’t get in, but relieved because I was unsure about counseling in the first place. That door closed, but the doors stayed open to things that are more exciting are a better fit for me. If I were to go down a counseling path, I would be interested in career counseling, but it took years of job searching and being dissatisfied with my job to figure that out. I wouldn’t have had that experience if I had went with my gut instinct and that’s really the lesson. A lesson that I’ve had to learn time and time again. Who am I really doing all this for? At the end of the day, the person I need to be happy with is myself. Sometimes failing is not really a failure, but an experience that redirects you, returning you to the path that was meant for you.

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Refilling the Cup

The past few weeks have seemed more stressful than normal. It could be the job, Rosebud’s terrible twos or the unexpected expenses that keep popping up. Then there’s the process of starting my business which is partially dependent on other people at the moment, but that’s another story. By the time night roles around and Rosebud is finally asleep, I’m exhausted. Lately all my self care routines have been nonexistent so last night, after another draining day I realized what was missing. I needed to do something to recharge and put some of those thoughts out of my mind or at least get them out on paper.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that I’m a big believer in self care. You need to take care of yourself before you can give to others which is especially important as a parent. I’ve talked about some of my Self Care routines before. Recently I heard someone say that they can’t start giving until their cup is over flowing. This made total sense to me. Unfortunately, my cup has been running on empty which isn’t good for me or anyone else.

To fill my cup, I spent the evening doing things that I either enjoy or that are good for me. I spent some time reading, ate a homemade chocolate brownie and exercised to work off that chocolate brownie! Then to relax, I took a bath and used a Bath bomb that had been sitting in my closet for months. It was a gift from one of the kids I work with. His mom gave one to each of his teachers. I’m sure it was meant to help us destress. It was a nice treat. Even the cat wanted to take part in the fun.

Finally before I went to sleep, I wrote in my journal. Amazingly enough, I didn’t end up writing about the stresses of the past several weeks, but I wrote about some memories and found some inspiration for future blog posts. When I woke up this morning, I felt much better. I had more energy and felt refreshed. I know that I need to set one night aside each week just to relax and take my mind off things. The chores and the business stuff can wait. It will be there tomorrow. Then when I feel guilty about not writing blog posts, I realize it’s because I have no inspiration. If my cup is empty, I’m not inspired. The ideas are not flowing. It’s a reminder that self care is essential for your mind and body even if you only have a few extra minutes. Spend them taking care of yourself. It’s worth it. You are worth it! Make yourself a priority.

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Light at the End of the Tunnel

Lately, I’ve been tossing around lots of ideas in my head about which direction my career should take. I’ve come to a few realizations. First, I need something with a flexible schedule so I can spend more time with Rosebud and work at times that best suit both of us. Second, I need to work from home. This would save money, time and get rid of the transportation issues. Third, I have come to the realization that it would be best to work for myself. I wouldn’t have to deal with office politics or trying to get hired at companies that make things unreachable in a lot of ways. I’ve always wanted to have my own business, but I never knew what I could offer other than childcare. When I was a teenager, I worked as a transcriptionist for one of my summer jobs. After only a few weeks, I was getting pretty fast and became used to the different styles of speech. My cubicle was among many and when people walk by, they’d stop and watch me type and seemed amazed at how fast I was typing. I didn’t think I was super fast, but the typing came easily to me.

The first few days were really rough. Typing, listening and working the controls all at once was overwhelming, but eventually I found a rhythm. Then a few months ago, I saw a post in a Facebook group in regards to a podcast. The poster said that she is deaf and asked if there was a way to get transcripts of the podcast. Cara, the owner of the group was great and found a transcriptionist right away. That got me thinking that this was something I could do and it would help people.

Recently, my feelings of sadness, anger and frustration at my current job have become overwhelming so I’ve had to find a way to move past these feelings as I’m stuck there for now. My first step is setting an end goal which is building my own transcription business. Since this won’t happen over night, I will have to chip away at this. Piece by piece until I reach my goal. Each day I do at least one thing that will get me closer to achieving my goal.

Even if I’m exhausted or am short on time, I try to do something small. Some of the things I’ve done so far include researching how to write a business plan, finding transcription companies, downloading and testing software, setting up appointments with people who could possibly help me get started, networking with other transcriptionists and researching courses I can take to get some experience.

Each morning when I wake up, I ask myself, what’s one thing I can do today to get closer to achieving my goal?

You can do this with any goal you are setting. It doesn’t have to be a big goal either. Do you want to lose weight? Maybe you want to start a journaling practice. One of your goals might be that you want to spend more quality time with your children. Maybe you want to get that higher paying job at work. Whatever it is, it can be broken down into smaller more achievable steps. If your goal is to lose weight, you could start taking a walk on your lunch break or substitute one junk food item with a fruit or vegetable. If your goal is to start journaling, set aside five minutes per day to write. In my experience working towards a goal and accomplishing each step can give you something else to focus on. I like to think of it as the light at the end of the tunnel. By breaking goals down into smaller manageable steps, your success will help you keep going. It’s a way to use your time wisely instead of just spinning your wheels. I don’t want to just get through the day. I want to accomplish things. I want to be challenged in a good way and not in a way that makes me want to pull my hair out. I need a purpose. What I do has to be meaningful. There is now a bright spot in my tunnel. It’s in the distance, but withdetermination I will reach it even if I have to take one step at a time.

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