I'm reading Cara Alwill Leyba's new book, "Like She Owns The place”.
For those who don't know, Cara is an author and master life coach who works to help women empower themselves and change their mindset. I found her online several years ago and discovered that a lot of her message resonates with me.
One passage she wrote about guilt in, "Like She Owns the Place" stood out to me. She discusses the idea that women often feel guilty due to external forces. Such as ones culture, religion or the society they live in. It may come from childhood experiences or friends and family making them feel guilty. This may be intentional or not, but never the less, the guilt shows up. She poses the question, if you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, why feel guilty? Cara describes one situation where she was taking a day off from work, spending the day at home. Her plan was to binge watch a show and have a glass of wine. Meanwhile, her husband decided to reorganize a closet full of Christmas decorations. Seeing this, she felt guilty and went over to help, but he encouraged her to take time for herself. That’s the sign of a good man, by the way. She said she went back to watch tv, but it didn’t come naturally to her. She felt guilty for taking time for herself and not working.
I often feel guilty over things like this. Today, my mom took Rosebud so that I could rest as I haven’t been feeling well. I can’t rest though because I start feeling guilty and thinking of everything I need to do. If I’m napping on the couch, the laundry isn’t getting done. The dishes are piled up in the sink. Rosebud's toys need to be rotated. Countertops need to be dusted. That’s just the house work. Then there’s the work you actually get paid for. I don’t feel guilty about taking time away from my job outside the home, but I feel guilt over not working on transcription stuff. I think to myself, I should be transcribing practice files or doing the business plan paper work. As with the blog posts, I set imaginary deadlines and the guilt sets in.
This week is supposed to be my vacation, but I’m having trouble just letting it be. I always have to fill my time and not necessarily with the things I enjoy. I need to feel productive even in times when I should be resting. The mom guilt is never ending. While Rosebud is not here, I’ve spent much of my time doing things for her instead of myself. I’ve washed toys, did laundry and prepared her dinner for later. It's one way to ease the guilt of taking time away from her. Then again, when I'm spending time with her just playing, I get that nagging feeling about the house work. Then when I'm cleaning or doing other things, I feel guilty about giving her screen time. While she's away, I’ve been pondering how to take away the pacifier. Should I try a gradual approach or go cold turkey? This was prompted by her visit to the dentist this morning. In between cleaning and thoughts of the annoying paci, I wonder how she’s doing. What is she doing right now? Has she napped? What did she eat for lunch? Then I think maybe I should watch some videos of her. Oh, wait... I better get back to work.
As Cara points out in her book, when we are old, what will we be worrying about? Will we be worried about all the times we should’ve cleaned closets, typed up that report or swept the kitchen floor? Definitely not! We will be remembering things we enjoyed. The times with our loved ones, the things we’ve created or times we did something crazy, fun and memorable. The fact is, we all need time to replenish ourselves. If we don't get that, we become unhappy and lose sight of our strengths, passions and our joy. We need to start erasing some of this guilt. If not, what are we teaching our children and what are we doing to our emotional well-being? I’m finally in my element. I’m taking the time to write which makes me feel lighter and taps into my creative side. I’m sitting outside enjoying the breeze on my face, the shade of a tree and listening to the birds over head.
Here are some of Cara's other books if you are interested.
I’m in the beginning stages of starting a business. If I had to compare the process to anything. It would be a plant. It’s a seed right now, but every day, it gets closer to sprouting. Each day, I take one more step closer to this goal. Also, I am being inspired by different things in relation to my writing. I am thinking a lot about my past and how my experiences have shaped who I am, so I will occasionally share that with my readers. I feel that with our political climate the way it is, it is important to share experiences so we can be more connected. These days, it’s easy to lose touch with humanity. We can hide behind a screen. We can stay in our own little bubble with liked-minded people. We all need need like-minded people in our lives, but seeing other perspectives helps us grow. It seems easier than ever to exclude those who aren’t like us. They are removed from us, so it’s easy to forget that many of our experiences are the same at the roots. In order for things to improve for all of us, especially our children who are growing up in this world we don’t understand, this needs to change. What would happen if anyone could reach out and find a mutual point of understanding or a shared experience? I have to write about what inspires me even if it makes others uncomfortable. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
This weekend, I listened to the 
Several years ago, I applied to a mental health counseling graduate program at one of the local universities. It was quite a process. I did a lot of research on the program to see if it would be a good fit. Everything seemed okay except I had to take the MAT. I didn’t do great on the SATs so I dreaded this and of course it was horrible. Since I didn’t have much time and all the study guides were inaccessible to me, my mom and I poured over so many words we had never heard of and or couldn’t pronounce. If you don’t know what a word means, how can you compare it to another word? Most of the MAT is analogies. The only similarity to me was that these were groups of words that no one uses, ever! I got a score on the MAT that was good enough to get into the program, but it was only by a tiny margin.
I talked to her last night on Face Time to tell her good night, but honestly she wasn’t that interested. She was going through her bag and when she found her toothbrush she was off for the sink. She started running down the hallway leaving the phone behind. She said a quick good night as she was headed for the sink and that was that. I’m glad she feels secure when I’m not around, but I’m a little sad too. That’s what being a parent is all about. You are preparing them to be independent and to go out into the world. Whether it’s just the first sleep over or the huge step of going off to college. There’s always a delicate balance of holding on and letting go.