Awareness

Awareness, Personal Development, Self acceptance,, Uncategorized

A Daffidil in a Field of Hyacinths

I was going to write an entry explaining why I haven’t been posting as much and it probably would’ve started off with the words, I’m sorry. I was going to say that I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much and I was even going to apologize for the subject matter of my recent blog posts. When I started this blog, I mainly focused on parenting and kids activities with some self care tips thrown in. I will continue to do those blog posts, but my life is changing.

Daffidil in a field of hyacinths.I’m in the beginning stages of starting a business. If I had to compare the process to anything. It would be a plant. It’s a seed right now, but every day, it gets closer to sprouting. Each day, I take one more step closer to this goal. Also, I am being inspired by different things in relation to my writing. I am thinking a lot about my past and how my experiences have shaped who I am, so I will occasionally share that with my readers. I feel that with our political climate the way it is, it is important to share experiences so we can be more connected. These days, it’s easy to lose touch with humanity. We can hide behind a screen. We can stay in our own little bubble with liked-minded people. We all need need like-minded people in our lives, but seeing other perspectives helps us grow. It seems easier than ever to exclude those who aren’t like us. They are removed from us, so it’s easy to forget that many of our experiences are the same at the roots. In order for things to improve for all of us, especially our children who are growing up in this world we don’t understand, this needs to change. What would happen if anyone could reach out and find a mutual point of understanding or a shared experience? I have to write about what inspires me even if it makes others uncomfortable. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

A cup of tea with a tea pot and pastries.This weekend, I listened to the Style Your Mind Podcast: Episode 102: Taking out the Energetic TRASH: How to Become a Match for What You Want. In this episode, Cara talks about how you should stay true to yourself and what inspires you. She talks about how you don’t need to be apologetic all the time. If you skip a day, a week or month of blogging, it’s okay. If it takes you a while to get out that latest episode of your podcast, it’s no big deal. What is a big deal is doing what inspires you and being available for those things that light you up. Honestly, I haven’t felt inspired to blog lately. I haven’t had the time nor the energy to set up crafty activities for Rosebud and I. I have come to realize that I can share more than that. Parenting is multi-faceted and so is my life. My life can be difficult, exhausting and chaotic, but it also can be productive, happy and beautiful and my blog is a snapshot of that.

Teddy bear holding sign that reads, “thank you very much.”

I will leave you with this thought. What if you framed being sorry in a positive way? I’m talking about when you are sorry for inconsequential things. Things that wouldn’t necessarily hurt anyone, but we are always apologizing for them anyway. For instance, what if you thanked someone for being patient when you are a couple minutes late? This way you aren’t feeling so negative and you are appreciating the other person for taking time to wait for you. I want to thank you, my readers for being patient with me as I find a direction for this blog. Thank you for reading my thoughts. I appreciate the comments, likes and shares. If my posts are spaced further apart, it’s because I want to write when I am inspired and not just because of an imaginary deadline I set for myself. I want to stay true to who I am and where I’m at in life. I have picked up many things from blogs I’ve read along the way. Whether it be advice, support, information, inspiration or even solidarity, I have taken those pieces and made them apart of my own journey. Thank you for sticking with me even when I am the Daffidil in the field of hyacinths.

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Awareness, Self acceptance,

When I Become Invisible

Yesterday, I saw a post on a Facebook group that made me think about the times when I become invisible. This would be an amazing super power to have. Imagine the things you would see or hear. Unfortunately, I’m not talking about a hypothetical situation based in tales of fiction. I’m talking about an all too common occurrence.

Two cartoon people with an invisible person between them.

There are times when I’m out in public when people speak right past me as if I’m not even there. They prefer to speak to whoever I’m with. They probably figure it would be too awkward or they are just assuming that I couldn’t possibly answer a question. These questions aren’t about advanced mathematical concepts or interpreting the latest scientific research. No. They are questions like, what does she want to eat? Does she like this or that? What’s her address, phone number etc? What’s wrong with her? Why does she wear glasses? I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point. Everything they are asking, I would of course know the answers to, so is it really necessary to ask a third person?

Two women shopping.

Many years ago, I went to Cancun for a vacation. While I was there, I had my hair braided. A girl I was with had it done and I thought it looked cool. Anyway, when I came back I got lots of comments and compliments on it. It’s definitely not something you see around here every day. A friend and I stopped at a convenient store and while we were checking out, the cashier asked my friend where I had gotten my hair braided. My friend obviously knew the answer, but she did something I didn’t expect. She said, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her.” The woman got quiet for a few seconds and then turned to ask me where I had my hair done. She seemed a little embarrassed and she should’ve been. I’ve never forgotten how my friend responded in that situation. She spoke up for me, but she didn’t speak for me. She let this person know that it’s not okay to speak past me and that I’m perfectly capable of answering questions that are directly about or involving me. I wish more people thought and acted like her.

Mother and daughter at cafe.

Another time, my mom and I were eating lunch at a restaurant. The waitress stopped by and put the drinks on the table. She starts talking to my mom and mentions how she should open the straw for me. I was so shocked and pissed off that that’s all I remember from their conversation, but I snapped at the woman telling her that I can open my own straw. Here is what I don’t understand. How can someone who walks into the restaurant, picks up a menu, orders food and appears to have a normal range of movement not be capable of opening the flimsy wrapper on a damn straw? Do you need 20-20 vision to do that? I’m curious… I’m also curious how this waitress thought I was going to eat.

The waitress didn’t respond to me and quickly left the table. My mom told me how I shouldn’t have snapped at the waitress because she didn’t know. She’s an older woman and she probably doesn’t know any better. She was just trying to be helpful. She told me I should stop getting so irritated with people and just let it go. This is exactly how these situations usually play out. We are just expected to take the treatment given and be gracious even if the treatment is shitty. Oh, they were just trying to help. Oh, they don’t know how to talk to you. Oh, they are scared. Well, they weren’t talking to me. They were talking past me and assuming I can’t do the simplest of tasks. I won’t accept that kind of treatment. Would you? Would you accept that for yourself? Would you accept that for your partner, your friends, or your children?

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Awareness, Education, Personal Development, Self acceptance,, Work

When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens

I’ve been thinking a lot about my career path, my purpose in life and what I’m really passionate about. I’ve been taking an honest look at what I truly want and what would be a good fit for me. I’m reminded of the paths I could’ve chosen and the doors that were opened and closed for me.

Open door to green meadows.Several years ago, I applied to a mental health counseling graduate program at one of the local universities. It was quite a process. I did a lot of research on the program to see if it would be a good fit. Everything seemed okay except I had to take the MAT. I didn’t do great on the SATs so I dreaded this and of course it was horrible. Since I didn’t have much time and all the study guides were inaccessible to me, my mom and I poured over so many words we had never heard of and or couldn’t pronounce. If you don’t know what a word means, how can you compare it to another word? Most of the MAT is analogies. The only similarity to me was that these were groups of words that no one uses, ever! I got a score on the MAT that was good enough to get into the program, but it was only by a tiny margin.

The next step was the interview. I remember sitting across from two women. I don’t remember most of the questions, but I’m sure they asked the usual things. Why do you want to do this program? I’m sure they asked about previous work and academic experience. I remember them asking if there were clients I wouldn’t want to work with. I wasn’t sure what to say. I might have mentioned something about having difficulty working with child abusers, but the main thing I remember from the interview was explaining that I get frustrated with a cookie cutter approach. I believe that since each person is an individual, their treatment shouldn’t be based on the experiences of others. It shouldn’t be based on what stereotypes of the groups the person belongs to. The assumption that everyone should be the same and respond to the same treatment is what bothers me. Maybe it’s unrealistic or idealistic, but there should always be wiggle room for someone’s individuality, autonomy and the ability to have a say in the treatment or services being provided. I answered the questions to the best of my ability so I felt optimistic when the interview was over.

Cookie cutter people.

A few weeks later, I open my mailbox to find an envelope from the school. I started opening it on my way back up to my apartment. I wasn’t concerned. I figured I’d get in. I had done everything they asked for so when I saw that I got rejected, it stung.

I always had some doubts about whether counseling was right for me. Did I really want to hear about other people’s problems day in and day out? I wasn’t sure. Did I really want to deal with all that paper work? Could I really do this for a living? These questions swirled around in my head, but friends and family thought I’d be a good counselor. They told me I’m a good listener, I’m compassionate and want to help people. They told me that since I’ve been through a lot so I should be able to help others. The question I kept asking myself was not whether I was able to, but whether I wanted to. Was I doing this for myself or to please others? They told me I’d be successful. I’d make money. They gave me all kinds of reasons so I gave it a try even though I wasn’t entirely comfortable. I told myself maybe I’d like it. Since I was having a horrible experience where I was working at the time, I figured it would be a good way out. A major step up.

Since then, I’ve wondered what went wrong. Was it the low vision? A professor once told the class that blind people couldn’t be counselors because they couldn’t see body language. Therefore, they had no way of knowing how people were feeling. Although I can see some body language, it’s limited and that’s not the primary way I know how someone is feeling. I usually don’t get this wrong. My classmates immediately told me to call in and say something to her. It was a class over ITV. I didn’t though. I was too embarrassed plus I had to have a few courses with this professor and I wanted to continue getting good grades. She had no idea about me anyway because we never met face to face. Most of us were just faceless names to her. Maybe these interviewers felt the same way? It also could’ve been an answer to a question or the other applicants had better test scores. It could’ve been any number of reasons.

Just because my path is different, doesn’t mean I’m lost.

I shed a tear or two over that letter. They said I could reapply the following year, but I knew in that moment I never would. I took it as a sign that counseling wasn’t the right fit. Now that I think back. I am glad things turned out the way they did. My tears were more about failing or being rejected. I was disappointed that I didn’t get in, but relieved because I was unsure about counseling in the first place. That door closed, but the doors stayed open to things that are more exciting are a better fit for me. If I were to go down a counseling path, I would be interested in career counseling, but it took years of job searching and being dissatisfied with my job to figure that out. I wouldn’t have had that experience if I had went with my gut instinct and that’s really the lesson. A lesson that I’ve had to learn time and time again. Who am I really doing all this for? At the end of the day, the person I need to be happy with is myself. Sometimes failing is not really a failure, but an experience that redirects you, returning you to the path that was meant for you.

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Awareness, Education, Parenting

A Butterfly In the Clouds

This weekend, my heart is a little heavy because of the events and social media posts I saw yesterday. First, there was another school shooting as most people in the US already know. While I don’t live anywhere near where the shooting happened, I wonder what the future holds. What kind of world do we live in where our kids can’t even be safe going to school? When I was a kid, I never thought of anyone bringing a gun to school. School shootings weren’t heard of. Now it seems as though there’s at least one every month. A friend of mine who grew up in northern Maine where hunting is quite common told me about how people would often have guns in the back of their trucks, but she never feared for her safety. Her peers didn’t play with guns and they certainly never brought them into school to shoot people. I think far too many people have access to guns that they shouldn’t have, but I don’t think that’s the entire issue. In my opinion, we don’t pay enough attention to mental health and more specifically why there are so many mental health issues in our children. We need to get to the root cause if we ever are going to stop this.

I’m not just talking about major mental illnesses. I’m not trying to further stigmatize an entire population of people because not everyone with a mental health diagnosis is violent. What I’m talking about is the disconnect between people and valuing themselves and others. It’s like there is no consideration of life. Other people’s lives don’t matter especially if those lives are different than your own. We need to find out why our children are so depressed. Why do most of us feel so alone when this is the era of connectedness? Of course most of those connections are superficial and I think many of the problems stem from that. Out of all our connections online, how many of them do we talk to on a regular basis? How many of them do we see in person? I’ve read some articles that say that parents spend more time with their children now than ever before, but I don’t see how that could be true. Maybe they spend more time in the same physical space, but it seems the disconnect is more apparent than ever.

I saw a post yesterday on Facebook about one of the local high schools. According to this person’s experience, many of the teens are getting bullied. They get called fat, smelly and unwanted. Some students scream white power in the hallways and from her account an autistic person was pushed down the stairs and that was just bits and pieces of her post. One commenter mentioned that this was happening in high schools everywhere. High school is no picnic for most people, but this is really sad and scary.

There is so much hate out there. I know it has probably always been there, but I’ve never noticed it as much. Maybe it’s because I’m from a relatively small place. Maybe it’s because people never had this many avenues to express it. I don’t know if this is the way people have always been behind closed doors, but I am noticing that people seem to be more comfortable expressing it in public. Social media can be a great thing and I see lots of positivity being spread every day. It’s a great way to find like minded people. Unfortunately, the people that have hate in their hearts can find like minded people as well and there is strength in numbers.

One of my Facebook friends posted An experience she had during her child’s field day activities. She is a blind woman who happened to be interacting with her child and and the group of children she was hanging out with. Some of the children were making negative comments so my friend intervened and encouraged them to say positive things to each other. There’s nothing wrong with that. I wouldn’t like my daughter saying hurtful things to others. Anyway, a couple of the parents had an issue with this and were talking amongst themselves about how blind people should stay at home and stop getting in the middle of everything. One of the mothers said that she couldn’t believe the government gave them money every month and they should stop strutting around. I have paraphrased some of the post, but it was really hateful. If you are interested, you should read it because she actually has a positive spin on it and isn’t letting it get her down.

Is it just me or are people more entitled than ever? Why do they feel the need to get involved in other people’s business when it doesn’t effect them? One example that comes to mind is when a friend of mine worked with people who have intellectual disabilities. Part of her job was to go grocery shopping with them. She asked one of her clients which brand of catsup he wanted. A customer next to them jumped in and asked why she’d bother to ask him because he won’t know the difference. “Why don’t you just get him whatever?” My friend explained that she always asks her clients about their preferences and yes in a lot of cases, they do know the difference.My first thought was, mind your own business! How is it really effecting his day? What does it matter to him what brand of catsup the disabled guy gets? Why does this hateful guy care whether he knows the difference or not? He doesn’t care nor does he want to be educated. He got the urge to be hateful and it made him feel better to treat others badly. He insulted the guy’s intelligence and continued to talk about him as if he wasn’t even there standing in front of him. I wonder how he would feel if he were the one who needed help shopping for groceries. Would he want to be given the choice or would he want everyone to assume he wouldn’t know the difference? This stuff makes me angry and just think, these are the people raising the next generation.

I often see people who are making positive changes in the world. In a lot of ways, things are better than they were in the past, but then you see these seeds of hatred. It moves us two steps backwards every time it springs to the surface. It’s like a stain you can’t get rid of. You wash it until it’s faint, but you always know it’s there. There’s always one tiny speck that won’t disappear. Today Rosebud said, “I’m a butterfly with wings. I jump like this. I jump right up into the clouds.” Doesn’t that sound like a better place to be? A butterfly flying through the clouds?

Butterflies, blooming flowers and clouds.

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Awareness, Education

Ironically Unappreciated

It’s ironic that it’s teacher appreciation day, but I don’t feel appreciated. In fact, I’m feeling like the worst human on the planet. My workplace is a sad place to be. There have been so many teachers coming and going over the past year and soon, there will be more leaving. Honestly, I’m worried about how things will be when the ones who are closest to me are gone. There was some of that sadness floating around today. Although, I can’t get into specifics, but some news I got set the tone for the day. It also was a rough day for the kids. They were tired, some were not feeling well and others kept having accidents.

Sad woman.

The cherry on top happened as I was about to leave. One parent was talking to my co-teacher. The parent was saying how much her little girl loves Miss J and Miss T, but she isn’t a fan of Miss D which is myself. When she realized I was overhearing the conversation, she started whispering so I didn’t hear everything else that was said, but I thought it was very rude and disrespectful to have this conversation. If you’re gonna talk about me when I’m in ear shot, say it to my face. I’m not surprised this kid doesn’t like me. Our personalities are like oil and water. She can be very bossy, demanding and inserts herself in everyone’s business. Sometimes you forget she’s only three. The thing is, I’ve never done anything wrong where she’s concerned. I get frustrated when I have to repeat myself ten times telling her to go to the bathroom or not to take toys from her friends. I don’t want to dislike her or her to dislike me. I want to show her that she can’t take toys from her friends so that she will grow up getting along with others. I want her to learn how to successfully interact with her peers. I don’t get on her about being kind to her friends to pick on her. I tell her to go to the bathroom because I don’t want her to piss herself and when she doesn’t listen to me, I tell her again. It’s not because it’s fun for me. It’s in all of our best interests for her to listen to e and get in the bathroom before it’s too late. When I tell her these things, she tells me not to yell at her and to be quiet.

The reality is that she doesn’t like anyone who puts boundaries in place because there seem to be very few for her at home. The problem is that parents legitimately get pissed off if you tell their children what to do. They leave these kids in our care, but at the same time, they treat us like inexperienced babysitters. Second class citizens in some cases. Just last week, there was a parent who told us that she wasn’t sure if she was going to come and pick up her sick child. Who does that? Eventually she did, but she argued with us about it. We had a parent complain because supposedly one of our teachers insinuated she was a bad parent which was completely untrue. That conversation had three witnesses. There was even a schedule change over that complaint.Girl with books and red apple.

When I was growing up, parents almost sided with the teacher and I know that approach is wrong. I’ve been in a couple situations where what I was saying was true, but my family believed the teacher instead. Partially because that’s the way things were done and partially because they trusted that the teacher was telling the truth. There are always bad apples though and situations where that doesn’t work. So I am glad that children have a stronger voice now, but it has done a complete shift. Now the teachers are the ones who can’t be trusted at least in the eyes of the parents. I believe there has to be a middle ground where everyone’s voice can be heard.

On more days than not, I feel like early childhood education was the wrong choice for me. I chose this field so I could teach children, be a positive role model and to make the children feel like they could be safe in any classroom I worked in. I had many negative bordering on abusive experiences when I attended a preschool. I wanted to ensure that nothing like that happened for the children in my care. It’s hurtful to get complaints especially when they are unfounded. It’s heartbreaking and makes you doubt your teaching ability and sometimes if you are a parent yourself, you start to wonder about your parenting abilities as well. You even start to wonder about your self worth and if you should be doing something different. Over the years, I’ve gotten a couple of complaints. They were mostly mild like this one, but it’s so easy to ruin someone’s reputation and career.

Girl drawing in book.I’m generally shy so talking to parents has always been difficult for me. I’m much better at making connections with the children. I can count on one hand how many genuine connections I’ve made with a family and I’ve been in this field for over a decade. I’m amazed at some of my coworkers who seem to be able to make a connection with almost any family and have the ability to put people at ease. I know part of my problem is that I’ve never been good at pretense. I’ve found that more and more, you have to pretend because if you don’t, people will complain. I miss the days when we had time to actually play with children, plan cool activities and actually follow through with them and weren’t so caught up in rules, regulations and assessments. I think we’ve lost sight of what is important. We’ve lost sight of having fun and building relationships. Now there is so much pressure and there just aren’t enough hours in the day. Parents are spending less time with their children and a lot of things that used to be taught in the home are falling on us as well.

I’m at the point where I need to fix what I see as my biggest and most costly mistake. I’ve spent so much time, money and tears on this career path and now I need a way out. I need this change for my mental and physical health and for the relationship with my daughter. I’m in preschool teacher mode all the time. I want to just be mom for a change.

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Awareness, Personal Development, Self acceptance,

Finding Peace

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I’m a fan of journaling. I was journaling daily for a while, but recently I haven’t been writing as often as I’d like. I was writing about some things going on in my life now and remembered this past experience. I’m sharing it because it’s part of letting go and making peace with myself and others.

There were a few girls in this group including my childhood best friend. These girls would eat together, go to each other’s parties and most of them had classes together. Occasionally I’d sit with them. I’ve changed the names in case any of them ever stumble across this blog. One of the girls, I’ll call Cathy. I don’t know what went on in her life, but she was a classic mean girl. At least to me. She would either make rude comments to me directly or to others about me while I was within ear shot.

One day, all the girls got up to leave the table except a girl I’ll call Britney. She was nice and I could have a normal conversation with her. Although we were never close friends. Britney said, “you’re all leaving me.” Then Cathy said, “yeah and look who we’re leaving you with.” She made a few comments like that over the years. I don’t know what her problem was other than she wasn’t comfortable being around someone unless they were just like her.

Cathy and I had one sociology class together. There was a section on racism and one assignment was to take a quiz to supposedly find out how racist we were. It sounds ridiculous and it is, but it was no surprise to me how her results would come out. As she counted her final scores, she even shocked herself. Suddenly, she gasped, “oh my god! It says I’m a racist.” The boy sitting next to her asked what her scores were and she said, “I’m not telling anyone.” The sociology teacher laughed at her. Inside I was laughing too because she was embarrassed and obviously ashamed.

I learned later that she moved to Florida. I wonder how she liked it because Florida can be a very diverse place depending on where you go. It’s not like the small towns we grew up in. While I was searching for people I knew online, I had discovered that she died. I didn’t know how to feel about that. Maybe a little relieved, indifferent, but not sad or regretful. From what I could gather, she had died in some accident. Whatever the cause, it was sudden and unexpected.

I’ve come to realize her comments weren’t about me. Her attitude wasn’t about me. She was obviously insecure and her negative judgements about others were a reflection of what she felt about herself. I would never wish death on anyone, but the nasty negative bitchy part in me says good, the world has more space for good kind people now. The problem with this thinking is that it’s a reflection of my negative feelings and has nothing to do with what she said or did. The other problem is that it’s unkind and when we hold on to these feelings, it keeps all this negative energy around us.

I don’t want to be that person. That judgmental insecure unforgiving person. I am better than that. It’s too bad that her life ended so suddenly when she was young and had a whole future ahead of her. Maybe by that point, she had changed. I don’t know. I hope that by the end of her life or maybe even in her death, she found peace and was able to get past the insecurities and judgements of herself. The judgement of others is always based in the judgement of yourself. It’s based in the parts of yourself you find unlovable and in some cases, the parts of yourself you hate. Those parts can’t always be changed so you can either accept them or spend your life wasting energy on trying to fix something that’s not broken. Sometimes it’s relatively easy and other times it can take a life time. I know I am still working on it. I hope those who loved her were able to find peace and healing as well.

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Awareness, Education, Parenting

Trash on the Playground

It was a nice spring day so Rosebud and I went for a walk. She likes to walk to one of our neighborhood playgrounds. I wouldn’t exactly call it a playground because it only has one climber. The climber is pretty big and has three different slides. There is also a picnic table where we could bring food and have a little picnic one afternoon. Other than that, it’s mostly an open space. Rosebud loves the climber and lately she’s been pretending to sell ice cream from the open part underneath the slides. Today she was pretending that some sticks she found were ice cream. She has stored sticks, pinecones, acorns and leaves under the climber for this purpose. After a few minutes she got bored and decided that the sticks were for making music instead.

She proudly made her way to the top of the climber where she walks around and takes a minute to choose which slide she wants to use. Suddenly, I hear a stream of water coming down from the top of the climber. I look up and she has an adult sized coffee cup in her hand. Apparently, someone had a drink and left their trash at the top of the climber. I was surprised since I’ve never seen anyone else at this playground. Normally, it’s always exactly how we left it.

Toddler playing on slide.I made Rosebud give me the cup because I don’t know who it belongs to or where it came from. I’m a bit of a germaphobe. then I explained to her that it was trash and how we shouldn’t leave trash on our playgrounds. I also told her how we need to be careful what we pick up from the ground. She is forever stopping to pick up strange things.

Recycling bin full of plastic products.She is too young to understand how littering is bad for the environment and everything that goes with that. I brought the cup home and threw it away, but I couldn’t help but be disappointed. The playground is supposed to be a safe place for neighborhood kids to play and people are leaving their trash there. It’s the carelessness that annoys me because many of the neighborhood kids are around Rosebud’s age and they are still at the stage where everything goes in their mouth.

Although it was irritating, I turned it into an opportunity to show Rosebud how we should take care of our public spaces and the environment. Not just because trash is obviously gross, but because we need to be thinking about each other, the wildlife and what our environment will be like for our childrens children.A little consideration goes a long way and sometimes small acts can make a difference.

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Awareness, Self acceptance,

Donations Unwanted

It was late in the afternoon. You know, the time of day you start to fall asleep, but if you’re lucky, you get a second wind. If you’re not lucky, you can always get some coffee and hope for the best. So my ex and I decided to walk to Dunkin’ Donuts for ice coffee and a donut as we often did. Everything went as planned. The walk was nice, the traffic wasn’t too crazy and we had ordered our donuts and coffee.

Couple with cups of coffee and creamer between them

As we walk out of the store, this older man stops us and thrusts a 1 dollar bill in my hand. I had never had this experience so I ask the guy what it was for. He says, “it’s for you.” I said no thank you. I don’t need any money. Keep it.” I said all of this in a nice way. He kept insisting and I kept saying no thank you. After a couple go arounds, I kept the money because he wouldn’t take it back and I didn’t want to cause a scene. I might have given it to someone else to pay it forward, but I was basically out the door.

Donations Unwanted, What Not To Do, pin. Donation box with money.

I felt stunned and didn’t understand why someone would want to give me money like that. I didn’t look like I needed it. I was dressed in nice clothes, I clearly had purchased my food already and I certainly wasn’t looking for a hand out. If you give money to someone who obviously needs and is asking for it, that is your choice and there are different expectations around that, but you don’t go throw money at people just because you pity them. Some people say to just feel grateful because the guy was doing something nice. That’s all well and good, but when someone gives charity out of pity, it’s demeaning.

Cup of coffee with frosted donuts.

If the guy was ahead of me in line and paid for my coffee, I would consider that kind because lots of people do that as a way of paying it forward. I have been the recipient of that and have done that for others. It’s not based on pity or obligation. If this man wanted to do something charitable, there are millions of organizations he could donate to. There are tons of places doing research that he could contribute to if he wanted something related to disabilities.

Oh, another thing, what could I get with a dollar now days? You can’t even get a pack of gum or a candy bar for a dollar. If the candy bar is 99 scents, the tax puts it over a dollar so I guess I’d be out of luck. All joking aside, I work, pay my own bills and donate to organizations when I feel the cause is worthy. The sad part is I shouldn’t have to be telling people this. When I come across someone on the street, I don’t automatically assume that they don’t work or that they have a horrible life.

Donation jar with money.When I was a child, there used to be a blind man that sat in front of the grocery store usually with his accordion. Of course he had a tin cup sitting there for people to put money in. Whenever I’d walk by I’d be embarrassed for him. Everyone knew about this guy and occasionally people would mention him to me. I’d ask myself why he was sitting there basically begging and why he couldn’t get a regular job. I never liked that he was there because if people saw me with my visual impairment, they’d assume I was like him. Eventually he started appearing less and less, but perhaps that older man in Dunkin’ Donuts had that image in mind. The image of someone in need and not capable. I find that some of these assumptions are long-lasting and extremely hard to change even when there is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

Donations Unwanted, Assume Capability, Pin. Man with guide dog

I am generally kind to others and am grateful when people are kind in return. I appreciate gifts from those who know me, Curiosity that comes from genuine interest and I will accept help when it is given with kindness and understanding, but I am not and never will be comfortable accepting charity out of pity. I am a person who believes in hard work and caring for myself and others. I am a person not a charitable cause.

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Activities, Art, Parenting

Rubber Ducky Painting

Here is another simple art activity. Lately, we've been using rubber duckies for a lot of our activities. It's a way of transitioning out of Easter themed activities into spring. I keep hoping that if I act like spring is here, then it will show up. My plan hasn't worked yet, but there must be warmer weather in our future.

This was simple to set up. I chose one color at a time. I put a little of paint into a bowl and then showed Rosebud how to stamp using the rubber duckies.

We had two sizes of duckies so we could make different designs. Rosebud enjoyed this activity and did some paintings.

What you will need:

Finger paints,

Rubber duckies,

Paper.

Then let your child explore and make designs. You could set out multiple colors to see how they mix, but I'm not brave enough to give Rosebud anymore than one or two paints at a time.



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Personal Development

A Place for Me

I read the book Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown. I could relate to her stories about not belonging in your family of origin. Honestly, when I really think about it, I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. Let me tell you about my first day in high school. It was pretty uneventful until lunch time. I went to get my food or maybe it was just a soda and a cookie. Anyway, I made my way through the lines and back out in the cafeteria to deal with the fun part of finding a place to sit. There were so many people. I spent a few minutes looking for some people I knew and eventually I find my childhood best friend. By that point, we were barely friends. Not necessarily because we didn’t like each other, but because over the past couple of years, we had grown apart. She was way into the partying scene and I had nothing going on socially. Anyway, she said I could sit with her and her friends. I sat there quietly minding my own business. I was just thankful that I had found a place to sit and could now get through lunch.

A few minutes later, this girl shows up at the table. It was someone I didn’t know, but all the girls at the table were friends with her. The only seat available was the one next to mine. She kept looking at the seat, at me and around the table. It was plainly obvious she didn’t want to sit next to me. One of the other girls says, “I’ll move so you can sit here. I’ll sit next to her so you don’t have to.” I don’t know if the girl thought I was going to rub off on her or something, but she got her wish. She didn’t have to sit next to me. All I remember is how awful I felt and how I kept insulting that girl in my head. this was a person who everyone thought was so cool and amazing. The only thing that came to my mind was what a bitch she was.

I waited for a few minutes, but couldn’t take it anymore so I got up and left the cafeteria. I didn’t know it at the time, but the cafeteria was this huge circle so I ended up going out the wrong door and getting lost in the hallway. Somehow, I either found my way to where I was supposed to go next or someone found me. There was a teacher there who I had known since childhood. I remember sitting in her office with my head down in tears. After my lunch disaster and getting lost, I already felt defeated and knew this wasn’t going to be a fun place. It wasn’t going to be any different than before.

Fast forward to a few years later when I started my current job. I had been working there for several months and we had to do an inservice training. We had to meet at a different place and it involved all our programs so there were a lot of people. Once again, I found myself looking for a place to sit with people I knew, but this time no one even offered. This had happened so many times by this point, but it still really bothered me. I was stuck sitting with people who I didn’t know and most of these people are cliquish until you get to know them. I remember feeling the same way as I did on that first day of high school. I felt alone, left out and embarrassed. The people who I was working with every day didn’t even consider saving a place for me.

Whenever this pops up, I think about how it shouldn’t bother me, but we are social creatures. At some point, every one of us have wanted to feel that we are apart of something. There are still situations where this happens to me, but now it’s so much easier to hide behind your phone. You can be productive or pretend to be busy and be less focused on your surroundings. Normally, focusing on your phone instead of interacting with people is not a good thing, but it helps me in situations like these. Also, finding yourself with people you don’t know is not necessarily a bad thing. Now days when we do inservice trainings, I might mention to a coworker that I want to sit with them and on occasion, one of them will go out of their way to save a seat for me. It may sound trivial, but knowing that someone has saved a place for me means that somehow I belong. I am included. It means that they’ve stopped and considered me and it shows they want me around. That’s what I want for Rosebud. I want her to feel a true sense of belonging in her schools, in her social circles and in her community, but if she ever doesn’t, she will always belong here with me in our home. She is loved for the person she is and her imperfections make her unique and are apart of who she is. Just like all of our imperfections make us who we are. In many ways Rosebud’s journey will be different from mine, but one of the things i wish for her is that she is able to love and accept herself. I don’t want her to have to struggle with that like I have. She is happy, healthy and perfect in my eyes.

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