Acceptance

How To Achieve Your Dreams

January 20, 2020

Around the time I was brainstorming for the perfect word for 2020, this wonderful thing popped up in my inbox. Since the beginning of the year, I have been participating in the Best Decade Ever challenge with Mel Robins. For those who don’t know, it’s a totally free 30 day challenge that teaches you to dream bigger. In her live videos, Mel talks about the science behind dreams, why you should dream bigger and how to break those huge dreams down into achievable steps. If you are not participating, I recommend that you do. The program is simple, doesn’t take up much time and it has given me clarity on several areas of my life. It has given me that push to work on my goals plus be more intentional about self-care and bringing love into my life.

Dream Bigger

The main part of the challenge asks you to dream bigger. Instead of just focusing on 2020, Mel is asking you to think about the next decade and how you can make it the best decade ever. What are your big dreams? What can you accomplish in this decade? You find out by asking yourself, what are my dreams? Then you write down the first five things that come to mind. You can do this any time of day, but I prefer to do this in the morning. If you do this each day, you start to train yourself to think bigger. It also helps with creating positive energy, seeing reoccurring dreams and can help you gain clarity. I’ve seen so many amazing dreams posted, but here are my big five.

Build a life coaching business,
Get in the best shape of my life,
Make a steady income from this blog,
Find a loving and supportive relationship,
Have a second child.

Some of my other dreams are to find my tribe, travel, build my dream house and move out of state. Most of these dreams are broad and not specific and that’s okay. There are no rules when writing down your dreams. Whatever comes to mind is perfectly fine. Don’t over think it. If you have the same dreams every day, write those down. If your dreams are different, that’s fine as well. If you never accomplish these dreams or if they change over time, that’s okay. The point is to learn the skill of thinking about your dreams and realizing that they are possible.

Self Limiting Beliefs

Most of the time, we don’t even get started achieving our dreams because we tell ourselves that our dreams are stupid. We tell ourselves that we are too young, too old, not smart enough, not good enough or that we don’t deserve it. The self limiting beliefs can be endless. We are our own worst critics. We tell ourselves things that we would never tell anyone else. Mell offers a free tool that helps you get clear on your self limiting beliefs and how to get rid of them. This is hard work, but we have to train our brains to think the opposite of what we’ve all been thinking about ourselves for years. Old habits die hard.

Check out this video on self limiting beliefs.

Brick By Brick

Last year, I wrote a post about my take aways from the book, Take Control of Your Life. Also, by Mel Robins. In that book, there was a concept where you build a foundation brick by brick. Well, this is how you achieve your dreams. You break each dream down into small achievable steps. In week two of the course, one of the assignments is to simply pick one dream out of your five and explore it further for 15 minutes per day. What does that mean? Well, there are many ways to explore a dream. One of my big dreams is to become a life coach and build a business, so that’s the one I chose to explore further. I bought the book Becoming A Professional Life Coach and started reading it. I watched a video of a sample life coaching session. Another day, I read everything on the World Coach Institute’s website. I’ve read blog posts written by life coaches on how to get started, listened to The Life Coach School’s podcast and I’ve done what I call a life coaching brain dump. This is where I’ve generated business ideas as well as a todo list for steps I need to take to get started.
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Here’s another example. What if your dream is to start a parenting blog? Your first step would be to do a brain dump. Write down anything that comes to mind regarding your blog.

Blogging Brain Dump

One area may be exploring topic ideas. What do you want your blog to focus on? Here is a list of possible topics.

Developmental milestones,
Toy/product reviews,
Self-care for moms,
Breast-feeding,
Sleep routines,
Kid friendly recipes,
Educational activities.

You get the idea. List as many possible topic ideas as you can think of. Then do another list of action steps that you’d need to do to get started. Some possible items on your list might include

Coming up with a domain name,
Researching and finding a web host,
Explore WordPress themes,
Design website, (Banners, logos, layout etc)
Do research on writing a blog post (SEO, proper format, Pinterest etc)
Create written content,
Find images,
Create social media accounts for your blog,
Learn how to promote and drive traffic to your blog,
Learn about ways to earn an income from your blog.

The point of these lists is to have a place to get started. This way you can see what small steps you can take, what skills you need to learn etc. You can also do a list of steps you’ve taken if you’ve been working on your dream already. That way, you can see your wins and it will keep you moving. Staying with the blog example, one big step would be to choose a domain name. This will be the website address where your blog is located. To achieve this step, you may want to write a list of several blog name ideas. Then choose the one you like best and see if it’s available. If it is, your next step would be to buy the domain. Then your next step would be to find a hosting provider. If you know which one you want to go with, you’d simply go to that website and sign up for a plan. If you are an absolute beginner, your first step may be to do research and compare various hosting companies. There isn’t a right or wrong order to exploring your dream. Just do one small part or actionable step each day and that is how you get started. Brick by brick!

As I write this, I’m wrapping up week two of the course and am looking forward to making more progress on my dreams during weeks three and four. I will keep you posted. What are your big dreams for this decade? What is one step you can take today to get startedd? Let me know in the comments.

6 Comments

Parenting

A Letter to My Father

June 16, 2019

I usually don’t write anything about Fathers Day. I could’ve made up a gift guide to get some blog traffic, but what would I know about that? How would I know what dads want? My parents divorced when I was very young and I barely ever remember them being together as a family. I wanted to acknowledge the holiday somehow, so here is a letter to my father. This is very personal and is difficult to share, but I hope it helps someone or maybe even myself.

I’m not sure how to start this letter. Should I write, dear dad? No. That doesn’t sound right because I haven’t seen you in over 20years now. I’m sure I’ll never see you again and I accept that. It is probably for the best. Maybe I should address this letter, “to my father”, but you don’t deserve that title. I guess I’ll just jump right in then. I’m writing this letter because Father’s Day is very close and I always start thinking of you around this time because I see Fathers Day stuff everywhere. I work with kids and of course, we always make Fathers Day cards and projects with the kids. That doesn’t bother me though. I’m happy for the kids when they have a good dad in their life. Sometimes I wonder what you are doing now and if you’ve changed your life at all. I wonder if you ever think of me or if you regret walking away. Mostly I think about what you’ve missed out on and definitely what you are missing out on now.

I know if anyone realizes who I am and who you are, you’d be embarrassed and would hate to find this post. You wouldn’t want anyone to know that any of this is your fault. I know that my disability bothered you and I’m sure you were embarrassed about that as well. You didn’t want to deal with my problems and I’m sure it was difficult for you, but you do those things as a parent. You accept your child, meet them where they are and solve problems together. At least that’s what a good dad does. Regardless of my short comings, I’m successful in a lot of ways. I contribute to the world. I care for children. I reach out to others. I write. I create art. I try to be a good daughter, a good friend, but most of all, I try to be a good mother.

I have a child of my own now. That’s what I meant when I said I think about what you are missing out on now. You are missing being a grandfather to an amazing little girl. She’s bright, energetic, funny and sweet. Maybe you have had that opportunity with my sister. You always called her my sister, but I know she’s not biologically related to either one of us. That never mattered though. It doesn’t matter whose DNA she has. Obviously, the emotional bonds mattered much more as I always saw her as my sister. That is until we didn’t see each other anymore. That is the one thing I truly miss. I always wanted a sister. I have my brothers and they are close, but I feel like the odd one out. Sisters have a different bond. I always wondered why you liked her more than me, but deep down I already knew. It was painfully obvious. She wasn’t defective.

I suppose it was because she was successful and you figured I’d never amount to anything. I’m still not as successful as I’d like to be, but I am more than what you or your family envision. I ran in to a family member of yours one day at Walmart. I couldn’t tell you who it was, but I was in my late 20’s and I had just graduated from college. They just assumed I had graduated from high school and actually asked if I went to a special school. It goes to show how little they know and what your family thinks of me. Unfortunately, you had the same attitude. I used to think it was me and I admit, sometimes I still do. I wonder why or how anyone else will accept me when you couldn’t. I know that it’s possible because mom accepts and deals with it in her own way. She believes I’m capable even though she’s over protective at times. At least she taught me things and is proud of what I’ve done. She’s not perfect. No one is, but at least she’s always been there and I know she loves me. She had to work full-time plus do the job of two parents. They say the negative almost outweighs the positive. You can hear ten positive things about yourself, but you’ll remember that one negative thing. Our relationship or lack of one has left a hole in my life. One that will never be filled and I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago.

I talked to this psychic once. She claimed that she could connect with spirits. She said she connected with your father and she felt a lot of aggression. I don’t know much about any of your family or what it was like for you growing up, but based on your life as an adult, I think I can assume that your childhood was no picnic. I know that your dad died when you were very young. I’m sorry about that. I’m not sure if it was him who she connected with, but the psychic told me that your leaving was your gift to me. A gift on a soul level. It sounds crazy, but maybe that’s the best you could do. Sometimes it’s better to just walk away. I’ve learned that the hard way. In my head, I understand this, but in my heart, I never will.

Fathers Day is approaching and I was just going to skip over it. Pretend like it doesn’t exist. That wouldn’t be hard to do because that’s what I’ve always done except when my grandfather was alive. He was my male role model. A good dad. Everything I wished you could’ve been. He taught me the value of hard work and what it means to be honest. I remember playing in his shop, helping him in the garden, playing card games and his stories about what it was like for him growing up. That’s what Fathers Day is really about. Celebrating men like him.

This morning, I planned on writing a happy post about what you need for a baby’s first trip to the beach, but then I was inspired. I was inspired by this wonderful sweet letter that another woman wrote to her dad. Only it was all positive. Brimming with love and admiration. Of course it would be, Fathers Day is for celebrating dads, but what if your dad isn’t in your life? What if you never knew your dad? What if your dad is a horrible human being? I’m not saying that about you. There must have been something good underneath, but there are so many people who can’t celebrate their dads for whatever reason. This post is for them, so they know they aren’t alone. This letter is for those of us who don’t have our dads. This letter is for those of us who feel left out when we see supportive and involved dads. If you don’t have your dad, I can relate. If you are a good father who supports and cares for his children, thank you. I hope you realize how important you are in your child’s life. Happy Fathers Day.

1 Comment

Motherhood, Parenting, Self acceptance,

5 Ways Motherhood has Changed Me

May 12, 2019

I want to wish all the mothers out there a happy Mothers Day. For this year’s Mothers Day post, I’m sharing five of the ways that motherhood has changed me.

Before I became a mother, I had all these ideas of what parenting would be like. I care for and teach children every day, so I thought it had prepared me and in some ways, it did. I was comfortable with bottle feeding, changing diapers and soothing crying babies. I had learned about the value of giving children choices and setting appropriate limits. I had discovered cool toys and activities that I wanted my children to have. I saw wonderful children’s books that I wanted to read to them.

The thing with childcare is that the children leave at the end of the day. I didn’t have to deal with the sleepless nights, the endless work and the joys and challenges of parenting. I hadn’t grasped the overwhelming idea of having another human being truly depending on you for everything. The instant I found out I was pregnant, my life had completely changed. Here are just a few of the ways motherhood has changed me.

More Empathetic

Becoming a mother has given me a different perspective and makes me a better childcare provider. I am much more empathetic towards other parents. I used to be really judgmental. I thought I’d be one of those parents who wouldn’t let their kids watch much tv. I was going to bottle feed and who cares. My baby wasn’t going to have a pacifier. My baby would sleep in her own crib. You get the picture. My reality after Rosebud was born was completely different. During my pregnancy, I had done some research and decided to breast-feed. My baby eventually got a pacifier because I was tired of being one. She slept with me because she refused to sleep by herself in her crib. My choices were sleep or insanity. I chose sleep. Unfortunately, she gets more screen time than I’d like. I need to get things done around the house and sometimes I just need a breather and it keeps her occupied.

Now when other parents come in with these struggles, I understand. When moms come in with really small bottles of milk because it’s all they’ve pumped, I can empathize. When they want their babies pace fed, I get it. When a single mom lets her kid watch tv every night because she needs to get stuff done or just relax, I’m right there with her. When a parent doesn’t want to hear that something is wrong with her child, I completely understand. While the educator part of me wants to help that child as soon as possible, the parent part empathizes with the denial and wishing it wasn’t true.

More Cautious

Before Rosebud, I was more likely to step out of my comfort zone and take risks, but I’ve noticed that I’m a lot more anxious now. I worry about everything, especially the future. I remember my high school days where I was excited to be going off to college. I went across the country to start over in a totally new place. I was more confident, more independent and full of hope.When things didn’t work out there, I was crushed, but I picked myself up and returned to a local college. After lots of volunteering, I eventually got a job and then my life basically stayed the same for several years until Rosebud was born. Back in high school I did some traveling as well and that stopped.

I don’t remember the last time I went anywhere alone. I’m less confident about applying for jobs, meeting new people or trying new things. I have Rosebud to think about now and I think about how everything I do might effect her. I admit, I can go overboard. I’ve tried to make a lot of changes, but I’m not as confident as I was before. My anxiety plays a big part in that. I am a work in progress. Pushing through the hard stuff is an important thing that we all need to model for our children.

More Aware of Time

After I became a mom, I suddenly realized, I didn’t have any time to myself anymore. I insisted that I’d be showering everyday and I never gave that up. I needed that to feel like myself, so when Rosebud was a baby, I put her in the bouncer in the bathroom while I showered. I heard other mothers say how they could barely get a shower in and I decided that wasn’t going to be me. My time slipped away in other ways. I barely could write in my journal anymore. I rarely watch tv now. My crafting hobbies have pretty much disappeared. There are a ton of cleaning projects I’d like to tackle, but when? My time is divided three ways. There’s Rosebud, my day job and the blog. Other than that, there’s a few hours of sleep in between. I will never take good sleep or free time for granted again. When I have time to write in my journal or take a ceramics class, I enjoy it so much more now.

I Will Not Settle

When I found out I was pregnant, I decided that I could never settle. This applies to all areas of my life. I couldn’t settle for a bad relationship because I didn’t want my daughter to have bad relationships as an adult. I want her to see a healthy relationship. Two people that treat each other with respect, looking out for each other and supporting each other. I didn’t want her to grow up seeing constant fighting or a relationship that was distant and unhappy. I want Rosebud’s childhood to be filled with happy memories, not painful ones.

I can’t settle in my career. I need to find something I truly enjoy. Childcare has taken it’s tole since Rosebud was born. While I have become a more empathetic childcare provider, I have become a far less patient one. My exhaustion of 24-7 childcare, office politics and my wish to be home with Rosebud have pushed me to the tipping point. That’s why I’ve been working so hard to find something else. I want Rosebud to know that she doesn’t have to settle either. It’s hard when you have to balance responsibility with what you know is right in your heart.

I Trust Myself

I’ve heard a lot of parenting advice over the past three years and you know where I’ve found the solutions? From my own gut instincts. Since becoming a mother, I have learned to trust myself. People said I was creating bad habits by letting Rosebud sleep with me. At fifteen months, she transitioned into her own bed and has been a great sleeper. In my heart I knew she was ready. I followed my own instincts and it worked out. The same went for potty training. I got endless advice and pressure and I tried so many things. Eventually I gave up. Yes, I gave up. I said, we aren’t doing this right now. I told her that when she was ready to use the potty to let me know. A few weeks later, she came to me and said she wanted to use big girl panties. A week later, she told me she didn’t want the night time diaper any more. She’s been dry ever since. I always thought she’d do it when she was ready and she did. I felt guilty for not following my instincts and caving in from outside pressures, but I learned an important lesson.

I’ve applied this to other areas of my life. If I get a weird vibe about a situation, I trust myself instead of trying to make excuses or staying to be polite. I haven’t always been good at advocating for myself, but if something is wrong, I am starting to speak up about it. It’s amazing how we get conditioned to ignore our inner voice. We need that guidance, especially when we are parents.

Motherhood has changed me in so many ways. Everything from simple daily routines to being more emotional about certain things. Some changes are for good and others not so much, but I wouldn’t change a thing about Rosebud. I’m so glad she came into my life. How has being a parent changed you? Tell me in the comments.

5 Comments

Awareness, Infants, Parenting

Rosebud’s Birth Story: My C-section Experience

April 12, 2019

Did you know that April is c-section awareness month? I didn’t. I didn’t know much about C-sections until about 15 minutes before landing on the operating table, so I thought now would be a good time to share Rosebud’s birth story.

The Beginning

When I found out I was pregnant, one of my first thoughts was, oh my god! I’m gonna have to give birth. This is is going to hurt more than anything and how am I going to get through it. I was overwhelmed by the idea. It was scary, but I tried to put that thought out of my mind. I told myself that I’d cross that bridge when I got to it. when I had my first appointment with the midwives, they asked about a birth plan. I had no idea what I wanted, but when they mentioned that I could have a water birth, I liked the idea. I heard it was more relaxing and less painful. That’s what I was going for. Either way, I always expected a natural birth.

After Rosebud’s first ultrasound, they discovered some complications. She had a Velamentous chord insertion which basically means that the chord had become attached in the wrong place. With this condition, the vessels are exposed and they can rupture during labor. In some cases, it can cause still birth. When they explained this condition to me, it was a little confusing and worrisome, but they told me that it wasn’t going to be a big deal, but that they would be monitoring me closely. They told me that they would have to do an induction if I didn’t go into labor by 39 weeks, but both the midwives and doctors said that I wouldn’t have to have a C-section. They said I could have a natural birth. At the time I believed them, but a little piece of me knew the writing was on the wall.

Birth Plans Change

Since my plan was to have a natural birth, I never bothered to do my research. On one hand, maybe it was better that way because I would’ve been even more scared. On the other hand, I would’ve known about potential complications and what to expect during recovery. I could’ve learned about a Gentle C-section. Luckily, my midwife and doctor used many of the elements of a gentle c-section, but I had no idea it was a thing until this past year. Anyway, after the Velamentous chord insertion diagnosis, a water birth was out of the question. The midwives told me it wouldn’t be safe, so I opted for a natural birth with no medication. As my pregnancy progressed, everything was going well. Rosebud was healthy. We passed all our tests. Towards the end of my pregnancy, we had to go in for stress tests twice per week. While they were annoying and I could tell Rosebud didn’t like them, I was glad to hear her heartbeat and her constant movement. As expected, I made it to week 39 and still no signs of labor, so an induction was scheduled to start on a Sunday night.

The Induction

The first night was long with barely any progress. They kept upping the dose of Pitocin over Sunday night and throughout Monday. There was still no baby. I was having contractions, but they weren’t painful yet. That night, they decided to use the Foley balloon catheter. That’s a torture device if I’ve ever seen one. Just like that, my birth plan disappeared because now I was getting medication for the pain and to help me sleep. My next step, was no epidural. I was progressing at a snail’s pace. By Wednesday afternoon, there was still little progress and they had me on the highest dose of Pitocin. I think my insurance company told the hospital to get me out of there because they said I could go home and wait a couple more days to see if I went into labor naturally or I could stay and get a C-section.

Going Home Without my Baby

I decided to go home and rest. I was so exhausted already and hadn’t even had my baby yet. She was still healthy and I was still healthy, so I thought I was making the right decision. A C-section is a major surgery, so I wanted to avoid it unless it was absolutely necessary. There was also a part of me that wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I spent that night at home in my bed and I actually slept. All I remember from that next day was going grocery shopping. It was pretty close to Christmas and the stores were crowded. I was so uncomfortable walking around. Later that night when I was about to go to bed, I got a call from the midwives telling me I couldn’t come in the next day for my second scheduled induction because there were too many women there already. I told the midwife it was okay, but it wasn’t. I was pissed and I bursted into tears as soon as I hung up the phone. By then I was done. I was done with being uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be induced a second time. I had heard Pitocin contractions were more painful than natural contractions and while I don’t have much to compare it to, I’m sure that’s accurate.

Part 2

I woke up around 3 A.M to use the bathroom and my water broke. Finally we were getting somewhere. I went back into the hospital and they checked me again, but there was no progress other than my water breaking. The induction started all over again, but they increased the Pitocin at a much faster rate. I started to make some progress, but after about ten hours, the pain was becoming unbearable and we weren’t getting much closer. I finally caved. I asked for the epidural and things went downhill from there.

A couple hours after getting the epidural, the complications started. Rosebud’s heart rate started to increase, I suddenly had a fever, was lower on oxygen and couldn’t urinate. Sorry, tmi. Rosebud’s heart rate and the oxygen mask scared me. It was happening so fast and I had no idea why. It was probably effects from the medication and the epidural plus being induced twice. My body couldn’t handle it. At this point they recommended a C-section. They asked if I’d consent to one. I said yes, please. Let’s get this over with. By this point it was getting late into the night. I’d basically been in labor for the previous week and I wanted to see my baby.

Rosebud’s Entrance

About 15 minutes later, I was being wheeled into the C-section room. The anesthesiologist I had previously seen was back to give me the spinal this time. I barely felt it. The next thing I knew. I was numb and they were lifting me onto the table. They put the drape over me and got to work. They put that damn oxygen mask over my face again. I couldn’t breathe and it was scaring the shit out of me. I think I was in shock from everything happening so fast, but The anesthesiologist was wonderful. He was doing his best to keep me calm through everything. I felt some pulling and tugging and then I heard my baby cry for the first time. The crying didn’t last long. She had suddenly stopped, but everyone sounded happy, so I knew she was safe and healthy, but I couldn’t hold my baby right away. I couldn’t stop shaking and I didn’t feel it was safe, so they wrapped her in a blanket and placed her right next to my head. I could feel her little arms and legs and talk to her for the first time. That’s not how I wanted her to be born, but she was finally here.

Finally With Rosebud

Once we got back to our room, I was able to finally hold her and nurse for the first time. That was more difficult than expected, but that’ll be another post. As the night went on, I was able to get up and walk around. I didn’t feel much pain since I had plenty of pain meds. I thought things would be fine now that it was over with. I wasn’t prepared for the swelling that felt like it was never going to end. I had no idea about the complications that a C-section could cause for nursing mothers. I didn’t know that it takes longer for milk to come in after a C-section. I didn’t know I’d be in so much pain after I went home even with the prescription they gave me. I didn’t know I’d feel like a failure. Yes, I gave birth and my baby was healthy, but I still felt like my body betrayed me. Not only was I unable to give birth naturally, but now I was having such difficulty nursing. It became my mission to make my body do something right for once. I didn’t know I’d feel so depressed and sad. There is so much pressure to be perfect mothers and perfect women.

Everyone was telling me that it didn’t matter how my baby was born, but it mattered to me. It was an emergency C-section and it was traumatic. It was scary not being able to breathe on the operating room table and to not have any control of my body. It turned out that the reason that was happening was because I’m short and the spinal went a little too high. The thing was I could’ve lost her and that scared me the most. Nothing about my pregnancy, labor or delivery went as planned and I should’ve been expecting that, but it was extremely disappointing. Rosebud is three now and I have come to terms with my birth story. In the end, I know I did what I had to do. I have a happy and healthy daughter and that’s what has always mattered.

C-section moms are not failures. We are strong mothers. Some of us brought our babies into the world through extraordinary circumstances and for others of us, it was planned this way. We did what we needed to for our own health and for the health of our unborn children. While we didn’t bring our babies into the world the natural way, we have our own stories to tell that are just as valid and meaningful.

7 Comments

Awareness, Parenting, Self acceptance,

The Same, But Different

March 12, 2019

There are a lot of misconceptions out there and sometimes I get questions about how I do things as a visually impaired parent. I don’t think my life is out of the ordinary, but sometimes I might have to take an extra step or think outside the box to get things done. When the idea to do this post popped into my head, I thought of a couple things immediately, but for others, I really had to think about. Here are five things I do differently as a visually impaired mom.

Reading

This is a big one because it not only involves reading stories to Rosebud, but I have to find alternative ways to read just about everything. Luckily, there have been so many amazing advances in technology since I was a kid and it has opened up the world to me, but generally, I just can’t pick up something and read it. There are several ways I read books to Rosebud. I have the regular books with Braille labels on them. The great thing about these books is that I can read them, but so can anyone else. They have the print as well as the pictures. I’ve found that this is the best way for me to read to her. That being said, the selection of books is somewhat limited and can get expensive. A great selection can be found here at BRL.

I find a lot of great books being read aloud on Youtube. I know it’s not the same as having the paper book, but it’s another way Rosebud can have access to books. There are a few books that we have the print copies of that she can follow along with them being read aloud. Here are a few of her favorites.

If You Give a Mouse a Brownie

The Very Busy Spider

Sneezy the Snowman

Big Pumpkin

Recently, I was told of a program in my area called Books on Wheels. Volunteers from the local library have started bringing children’s books to me twice per month. Although I can’t read these books to Rosebud, we can look at them and other family members can read them to her. I don’t want her to get bored with the books we have and this is another great way for her to get access to a huge variety of books. As she gets older, I plan on introducing her to audio books as well. She loves books and I want her to keep enjoying books throughout her life.

Try Audible and Get Two Free Audiobooks

Safety Rules

Since I can’t always see exactly what Rosebud is doing, I take safety very seriously. This is especially the case if we are in public, outside in a play area or walking down the street. If we are walking down the street or walking through a public place, she has to hold my hand with very few exceptions. As she gets older, I’ll give her a little more space, but for now, she has to hold my hand. That way I always know where she is. Sometimes she fights me on this, but it’s for her safety and my peace of mind. If we are out at the playground, she cannot run out of the play space. If she does, I give her one warning and if she doesn’t listen, we immediately go back home. I’ve had to do this a couple of times. It may sound mean, but I don’t want to have to chase her down in places I’m unfamiliar with and what if something happened before I got to her? I’d rather be safe than sorry. As she gets older, she will understand why I have that rule in place, but for now, she probably just thinks I’m a mean mom for five minutes. As she understands more and is able to explain where she wants to go, I’ll probably relax somewhat, but I think I’ll always worry a little extra.

Nursing

You’re probably wondering, what’s so different about that? Well, nothing really. I’ve heard a lot of people say that breast-feeding is such a visual thing and it probably is, but it didn’t work that way for me. Some of the hospital staff were concerned about my ability to breast-feed and at first, I had trouble getting her to latch. Partly because we were both new at it and because I was convinced that it was a visual thing so I wouldn’t be able to do it by feel. Of course, the visual aspect wasn’t working for me, so naturally I had to feel to help her latch. When I let go of the idea that I was doing it wrong, it worked much better. We found a way to make it work for us. As I thought about it more, I wondered how do moms get babies latched by sight in the middle of the night anyway? Do they turn a light on? I doubted it. Who wants to do that when you can role over and get back to sleep.

Measuring

One question I’ve heard before and even wondered myself before I became a parent was, how would I give my child medicine? I have different techniques for measuring medicine. Whether it is for a syringe or cup, I have either the pharmacist or someone else mark the dosage with a black line. I have to keep an eye on this as the line fades after several washings. One way I’ve found that keeps the mark there is to put clear tape over the black line. The little medicine cups work the same way. For those who can’t see at all, they use a tactile marker. I’ve heard of people using puff paints or making an indentation with a knife. Also, here is the thermometer I use.

Since Rosebud was having such trouble with getting enough milk before leaving the hospital, I had to start supplementing with formula. This was not a road I wanted to go down because I did not want to have to worry about measuring the exact amounts of liquid and powder. I didn’t want to be downstairs in the middle of the night making bottles, but for the first couple months of Rosebud’s life, that’s where I was. When I left the hospital, they sent me home with the pre-made 2oz containers of ready made formula. Those were expensive to buy so I bought a larger container of the powder. I’d measure out the water using a 2oz container and then add the scoops of powder. I was lucky I didn’t have to stick with measuring out formula, but I had figured it out and it was definitely an option when I needed it.

Identifying Colors

I have difficulty seeing color so sometimes I use an app called Seeing AI to identify colors. I use it a lot when I’m trying to match Rosebud’s socks. I try to get socks that are all white or that have distinctive patterns that I can easily match. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way so the color identifier comes to my rescue. For the rest of her clothes, I usually memorize or can see the colors, but occasionally if it’s a new outfit, I’ll use the app to tell me the colors. I worried about how I would teach her colors, but she already knows most of them. I’d point out colors of the items I knew, some of the tv shows she watches teach colors and other people would point out colors as well, so I really didn’t need to worry.

I also use apps on my phone to identify items. This was especially helpful with reading baby food jars since the labels are relatively small. I wished I would’ve had these apps when working in the infant room. I’ve also tried to use the app when reading books to Rosebud, but it’s too hard to try to read and repeat anything other than simple board books. Anyway, the app also comes in handy for reading mail, the directions on food packaging and for reading the error notices on my tv or computer screen.

As a parent with a visual impairment, I do the same parenting tasks that other parents do, but sometimes I have to do them in a different way. I think that some people equate doing something differently with inability, but that’s not the case. If we all did everything the same, no one would ever come up with anything new and then how boring would the world be? Where would our world be without any outside the box thinking? Maybe my parenting journey looks a little different than yours, but my end goal is the same. We all want to raise healthy, happy well adjusted children.

2 Comments

Awareness, Safety, Self acceptance,

When Helping is not Helpful

January 22, 2019

I have a master list of post topics. Usually, I don’t need to fall back on it because I get the best inspiration in the moment. Something will pop into my head and a couple days later, it’s out here on the blog. However, this is different. This situation happened years ago, but I was reminded of it recently because of some posts I’ve been seeing. People are making assumptions and are forcing help when it is not needed or wanted which is why I’m writing about it now.

If this is the first time you’ve come across my blog, you might not know that I have a visual impairment. I mostly focus on parenting, teaching and personal development, but occasionally, I write about some of life’s challenges like the most recent time I was discriminated against and my negative experience in the hospital when Rosebud was born. My visual impairment has shaped my life in a lot of ways and while I don’t focus on it, other people do and that’s where these experiences come from. Unfortunately, many of them are negative, but I write about them so that people will understand where I’m coming from and not just assume that I’m an angry and ungrateful person.

The crossing

Back in 2001, I worked in a childcare center in a smaller city. On most days, I’d walk to and from the childcare center without incident, but one afternoon, I was walking and minding my own business. Everything was going fine until I reached a busy intersection. This rout crossed several streets, but this particular intersection was the busiest. For those who don’t know, most blind and visually impaired people rely on the sound of traffic to signal when it is a safe time to cross. Many intersections have audible signals now, but they don’t always work and in many cases, they didn’t exist until recent years. I am able to watch the traffic to a certain extent, but I rely a lot on the sound as well. I can’t see when the lights change color. Especially in the day time so, when I’m waiting to cross, I really need to stay focused on the traffic cycles.

I was watching and listening. When the light changed. The parallel traffic started moving and that was my signal to cross. Suddenly, a guy jumped out of nowhere and started yelling at me and grabbed my arm. He was telling me he better help me because I was going to get hit by a car. I told him to let me go and that I was fine, but he wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t like the way he was grabbing my arm and I didn’t like his insistence. Meanwhile, the traffic was moving along and I was totally distracted. At this point, I thought it was still safe to go, but I was so distracted by this guy and my instinct to run that I wasn’t sure. My only thought in the moment was to get away from this guy so I started running across the street. There was a car that had started going across as well and luckily it had stopped in time to let me run across. I felt bad for the driver and he or she probably thought I was an idiot, but I didn’t know what else to do.

I didn’t want to run in another direction because then I probably would’ve gotten lost. I didn’t know the area that well, but I did know it wasn’t a nice neighborhood. Of course that was on my mind when this guy grabbed me. When I finally made it across without being hit, I ran for the next block or two until I knew for sure no one was following me.

What you should do

When I refused the guy’s help, he seemed to get irritated that I didn’t want him helping me, but the fact was he made me feel unsafe. First, because he’s a strange man grabbing me on the street and second because he distracted me during a crossing. For people who are primarily relying on sound, this can be extremely dangerous. While the man may have thought he was being helpful, it was the complete opposite. If you see someone and you get the urge to help, please ask them if they need help first. If they say no, respect that and understand it has nothing to do with you. Maybe they really don’t need help or maybe they aren’t comfortable accepting help. Also, don’t touch someone before you’ve even spoken to them. It’s really for your own safety plus it’s common courtesy. Do you want to be grabbed by a random stranger? If you do have to touch them to get their attention, tap them on the shoulder.

I’ve always had an independent streak and never wanted to ask for help. When I was a kid, people always told me to ask for help, but I saw that as a weakness. I couldn’t ask for help because people would see me as less intelligent and inferior. Even though the message was always, you can ask for and receive help, the message I got was that I have to ask for help because I couldn’t do things on my own. I know part of that was my own thought process, but I felt like if I asked for help, I would be looked down upon even more, but if fully sighted people needed help with something, they wouldn’t necessarily be treated differently. It was just a part of life.

I have learned that everyone needs help at some point. It is a strength to know when you need help and to ask for it. It can take a lot of courage depending on the situation. There have been so many instances in my life when people have offered help. I really appreciated it when it was offered in a kind and respectful way. Other times, I have refused and resented it because I felt it was not necessary, but that time, I actually felt like I was in danger.

Should we be grateful?

Several years ago, I happened to see a post online where someone complained that a disabled man in a wheelchair refused help. I can’t remember the specifics, but one comment stuck with me. “Handicap people should be grateful for any help they can get.” Really? Do people have to accept help when doing so causes them to lose their dignity or puts them in danger? Should disabled people really be grateful for that? I’m sure this commenter would’ve had a problem with me refusing this guy’s help. In his eyes, that person was a kind soul who offered his help and should’ve graciously accepted it even if he took me the wrong way or assaulted me. In my case, the stranger on the street got the hint after I ran away from him, but that’s not always the case.

Another comment I remember from the thread was saying how angry that man in the wheelchair was. Well, maybe he had a good reason to be angry. Maybe he was having a bad day and got tired of people assuming he needed help. The fact is we don’t know. The total strangers on the thread didn’t know and neither did the person trying to help him. We never will truly know what’s in someone else’s head, but what we do know is that he is a human being with a range of emotions. He had every rite to be angry, annoyed or frustrated.

Not everyone accomplishes tasks in the exact same way. That’s the beauty of living in a world where there is a lot of diversity. Underneath, we are all still people who think and feel. This is so basic that I don’t know why it’s so hard for some people to understand, but I hope that one day they will. It all goes back to what they taught in elementary school. How would you want to be treated? If more people asked themselves that before interacting with other, the world would be a much nicer place to live.

8 Comments

Awareness, Childcare, Education, Preschool, Toddlers, Work

Do’s and Don’ts of Working with Children Who May be Different from You

December 4, 2018

I've been thinking about this post for a while. This topic is close to my heart as I can not only relate to it from my own childhood, but it comes up on some level in my work every day. I know that working with children is stressful. Add to that, behaviors, issues or cultural differences that you may be uncomfortable or unfamiliar with, it can bring the stress to a whole new level. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all human after all and that is the most important thing to keep in mind. For this post, I'll focus on children with disabilities and children who are learning English as a second language, but a lot of this can even be applied with other groups of children or even adults. I'm writing this from the education perspective, but these suggestions can be applied in many situations. Being around people who are different from us not only teaches us about others, but we also learn plenty about ourselves in the process. If you are working with a diverse group of children, here are some do's and don'ts that will make the experience better for all involved.

Respect a person’s body and space

This should be obvious, but so many situations come up where a child is just picked up and moved without a word. I can understand if it is a safety issue or an extreme emergency. There are times when we can’t always stop and explain fully. No one is perfect and these things happen, but I’m talking about the situations where it is possible to ask the child’s permission or to explain what you are doing. For example, if I am picking up a child to change her diaper, I’ll tell her that. If I need to move a child who is having a tantrum and is endangering the other children, I will say something like, I’m going to move you to a place where you can be safe until you calm down.”

I witnessed a situation where two toddlers were arguing over being in the same space playing with a dollhouse. The area was getting very crowded and I was starting to talk to the children about it. All of the sudden, the person I was working with grabs the dollhouse and brings it to a bigger table without a word. This put one child in complete melt down mode. He had no idea why the toy was taken away and what just happened. He proceeded to push a bucket of toys off the table. Meanwhile, I’m trying to gather the toys and am explaining to him that if we move to the table, he can play with the toy. In his mind, that toy was just taken away for no reason. After a couple minutes, he calmed down and I was able to help him understand the situation. That totally could’ve been avoided with just a few simple words. I try to think of it this way. Would I like to be suddenly picked up and plopped down somewhere else without a word? Would I like it if someone grabbed something I was using and brought it to another part of the room? Of course not. It’s something we really need to stay mindful of.

Assume capability

Do think children are capable until proven otherwise. Don’t assume that if a child can’t hear that they won’t understand anything. Use a gesture or two and it might make all the difference. Don’t assume that an autistic child never feels empathy. I worked with an autistic boy who would be the first to show concern if one of his classmates was sad. Don’t assume that a child can never learn. We all have different learning styles. Some of us learn best visually where others learn best through listening. Picture schedules labeling items and having a wide variety of activities that teach the same skill are all great ways to accommodate for different learning styles.

I worked with a co-teacher who told me that this particular child never used words so I started with the basics. I’d wait for quiet moments to practice words with him. We’d look at books when he woke up from his nap. I remember him saying, baby when I’d point out pictures of babies in books. During diaper changes, I’d mention how his wipes were cold and he’d repeat the word cold. We weren’t having conversations yet, but it was a start. There were in fact words there, but my co-teacher was so focused on his inability to speak, that she never took the time to see what he was capable of.

Make a connection

Do find enjoyment and common interests. Continuing the story about the child I previously mentioned, my co-teacher said that he never enjoyed a single activity. I made it my personal mission to prove her wrong every day. I started writing observations about him each day as we were trying to get services for him. Some of the areas I focused on, included social interactions, speech, the day’s challenges and the things he enjoyed. Each day I would list at least one activity that he did that he enjoyed. It could be something as simple as sitting and relaxing in the rocking chair or the more typical childhood activities like play-dough or reading a book. It made me happy to find the things he loved which allowed me to build a connection with him.

Remember Confidentiality

Do treat their sensitive information with care. I’ve heard teachers on the playground say things like, he can’t hear a word you’re saying.” First, if a child has a hearing impairment, no one needs to yell it across the playground. If someone needs to know, tell them in a more discrete way. You never know who is listening or if the information is even completely accurate. In this particular case, one of the older children that was hearing these exchanges started bullying the younger child, telling him he couldn’t come in the play house because he’s deaf. In reality, this child is not deaf. He was having issues with his hearing which seem to have been corrected, but even if he was deaf, he deserves to be treated with respect. Talking to him and trying to understand him would still not be a waste of time.

Be open minded

Do observe and ask questions. Do not make harmful assumptions. I worked with a girl who was learning English as a second language. A coworker would get so frustrated when she wouldn’t respond to her or appeared not to understand what she was saying. She’d often complain and ask, “why aren’t they teaching English at home?” Well, they aren’t speaking English at home because she knows more English than her parents. Also, they may want to keep their culture and traditions which of course includes their native language. What’s wrong with a child knowing two or more languages? Why should her parents have to parent in a language that is not their own? Just to accommodate a childcare provider, I don’t think so. Her parents were trying to teach her English using games and apps which appeared to be working. when she started with our program, she could even read some words in English. It quickly became obvious that she is very smart. I wasn’t put off because I’ve worked with English language learners before. Some things that helped me were using visuals to go along with the words, learning a few key phrases in the child’s home language and having parents share things from their family’s culture.

Hold off on the labels

Do look at the person in front of you. Everything does not need a label. I understand labels are useful. Especially in a world where you need a diagnosis for services like occupational or speech therapy, but there is no need to start labeling someone on the first day. Get to know them a bit before raising the red flags. Be open to the fact that an issue might have more than one explanation. I recently observed a boy walk back and forth over and over again through a pile of leaves. Some suspect that this boy may be autistic, but it may be something totally different. He might just like the sound of the leaves or wanted a more soothing activity. Obviously you wouldn’t diagnose on this one observation, but you’d need to look at the whole picture. Another explanation is that one disability could look similar to another in how it manifests itself. For example, the child who has regained his hearing may be repeatedly walking through the leaves because he’s never heard that sound clearly before. If he’s hearing a sound for the first time, the experience would be suddenly different. It takes time to process these things. If he is having difficulty interacting with his peers, maybe he’s trying to process language that he’s never heard clearly before.

This is why taking the time to get to know the person behind whatever the difference may be is so important. They are not little boxes to check off. They are people. People who think, feel, love and dream. If you are looking for some great ideas on how to easily teach children about diversity check out this post written by Mommy Gone Tropical. Is there anything I missed? Let me know in the comments.

13 Comments

Memories, Parenting, Personal Development

Do the Right Thing: A Reminder for Halloween or Any Time

November 3, 2018

Hallloween is approaching and many of us will be interacting with our neighbors, so I’m updating this story from last year to remind us to be compassionate and kind. We can’t assume everyting about everyone, nor can we know what goes on in everyone’s lives. However, we can all do our best to make Halloween night a positive experience for our children and if you don’t celebrate Halloween, that’s okay too. I know this seems like common sense, but apparently last year, one of my neighbors still needed that reminder.

On Halloween night, my brother and I took Rosebud trick-or-treating. My mom and my other brother stayed behind and handed out the candy. We have a ton of trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood, so I usually run out of candy quickly. The first year I lived here, I ran out of candy within minutes of turning on the light. The kids kept coming, so I went to the store to get another bag. Then last year, Halloween celebrations were rescheduled due to a large storm and power outages, but we barely got any trick-or-treaters on that day. Rosebud wasn’t a fan of last year’s costume and basically it was a bust.

This year, Rosebud loved her costume and understood the whole idea of trick-or-treating. Although she was shy, she had a great time.

By the time we got home, there was barely any candy left and my mom wanted to save me a few pieces. She kept going to turn out the light, but the kids kept coming. Rosebud got plenty of candy and my mom was going to start handing that out, but my brother and I agreed that it was hers and that it wasn’t right to be handing it out. I turned out the lights, but I still had some ghost lights hanging in the window. Meanwhile, my brothers went out the back way into the garage to put some things in there. A group of people walked by including this extremely rude woman.

My brothers could hear her from the garage saying something to the effect of, if they’re gonna shut the lights off, they need to not have decorations. She went on about how we needed to hand out candy. Her husband was trying to offer up some explanation as to why our light might be off. He said that maybe we had small children and it was their bed time. He said that maybe we were still out trick-or-treating and not home yet. She continued to voice her opinion very loudly as she continued down the street. The last thing my brother heard her say was that we need to do the right thing.

The ironic thing was that I felt good about how our night went until this happened. I had good interactions with my neighborhoods. Everyone was polite. The kids in the street were well behaved. People were laughing and having a good time. Of course, there always has to be one one rotten apple ruining it for the rest of us. Maybe I should have shut off my decorations along with the porch light, but I was taking photos of Rosebud. Plus, I was still celebrating Halloween. It was getting late and I thought the amount of trick-or-treaters would be slowing down anyway. Maybe I should’ve gotten three bags of candy instead of two. I could’ve spent $40 on candy instead of $20. There’s always a million things I could’ve done differently.

The question is, why? Do we wish we could’ve done things differently because we honestly regret them or is it because of the opinions of others? Would we even care about these insignificant choices that mean nothing in the long run if it weren’t for the judgement from those around us? I wouldn’t have cared, but then I had visions of this woman going on the neighborhood message board and complaining about how there were Halloween decorations, but no candy at my address. It’s a scary thought, but people go on there and complain about specific individuals.

I didn’t feel guilty. I had done the right thing. I had taken my daughter out trick-or-treating in our neighborhood. In turn, I gave candy to the neighborhood kids who came to my door. By the time I shut off my light, Rosebud was tired and the woman’s husband was right, I have a small child who needed to be put to bed. A couple days later, I talked to another neighbor who said she ran out of candy at around the same time. She said that most of the neighbors around her were running out of candy as well. Obviously, I wasn’t alone. If candy wasn’t outrageously expensive, I think most of us would’ve bought more, but that’s a topic for another post.

The next time you are in a situation where you are wondering why on earth someone would do something, give it a second thought before jumping to conclusions. Of course we all are going to make judgements and see things through our own lenses, but there might be a completely reasonable explanation for someone’s actions. My response to that woman would be that instead of telling me to do the right thing, you should take your own advice. Let’s get back to the basics. A little kindness and compassion goes a long way because what you didn’t know is that I already had done the right thing for our neighborhood and at that very moment when you were being rude and judgmental, I was doing the right thing for my daughter.

9 Comments

About me, Self acceptance,

The Weird and the Wonderful

September 3, 2018

I’ve seen a few posts like this on other blogs recently and I thought I’d write a post with random facts about myself. It’s a way for you to get to know the person behind the posts. Here are some of the things that make me unique.

1. Rosebud and I share the same birthday. No. that wasn’t planned, but it was her original due date.

2. I’m a lefty and we all know about the Genius of lefties.

3. I’m a collector. I’ve had many collections over the years. For a while it was keychains when I used to travel more. I had a small collection of unique candles, but I stopped that when I kept getting endless store bought typical jar candles on every occasion. My childhood collections were rocks, shells, porcelain dolls and snow globes, later on. Most of those have broken over the years, but my unicorn collection has stuck with me.

4. Speaking of collecting, whenever I go clothes shopping, I can’t help but buy more shirts. Even if I’m only going for pants.

5. Raggedy Anne dolls creep me out. I hate the faces that are painted on and their stringy hair. A three dimensional face was always a must. I’ve been creeped out by them since I was a kid. In fact, if I hear a story about a haunted doll, I always picture one of those. I refused to let my mom buy one for Rosebud.

6. My first job was collating books. It was boring as hell and I had this horrible boss who insisted that we couldn’t talk to each other. We were working on collating Harry Potter books back when they first came out. I’ve never read anything from the Harry Potter series.

7. I lived in the same house until I was 18, but moved seven times between my 20’s and early 30’s. Only one of those times was out of state.

8. I can’t stand coffee. I don’t care for the smell. The closest thing I’ll have is a cappuccino.

9. I pierced my own ears when I was twelve using just an earring. Yes, I have a high tolerance for pain.

10. I named all my dolls when I was a kid and I probably had 40 to 50 of them.

11. I actually prefer cloudy days because I can see better when I’m outside.

12. One of my favorite hobbies is making pottery. The amount of things you can do with clay is endless.

How about you? What makes you unique? Let me know in the comments.

0 comments

Personal Development, Self acceptance,

Why Do We Settle?

August 27, 2018

These past couple of weeks have been overwhelming, so I’ve been wondering how I can simplify my life. When I really thought about it, there were so many things that weren’t serving me. Everything from small daily annoyances to things that are life changing. This is not a vent post. This is about changing your mindset.

I’ve been having trouble with my cell service for months. I’m not sure why, but voicemails cut out or I don’t receive them until hours or days later. The majority of my calls are dropped and I usually have poor reception wherever I go. I’m not sure if it’s my location or my phone itself, but it is so annoying. My mom asked me why I don’t call the phone company to try to get to the bottom of this. Well, that’s a good question. Why am I putting up with this? Instead of getting annoyed, why not try to change my situation? I called the phone company and they updated some settings. However, the issues are not fixed completely and this time, I will be calling back. I pay for cell service each month and have insurance on my phone. As a paying customer, I deserve quality service. Why do we settle for crappy service, bad treatment or keep things that no longer are useful to us? I can’t be the only one who does this.

In January, I signed up for a payment plan for a pair of expensive glasses that scans text and reads it aloud. It’s a portable device that you can take with you to read menus, signs, price tags etc. You can also curl up on the couch with a book and it will read it to you. Apparently, these are the Goldie Locks of glasses because the lighting has to be just right. These glasses are also supposed to recognize products using a database, recognize colors of objects and even people’s faces. Unfortunately, none of these features work very well. Although the device is portable, it is still attached to a wire which is inconvenient, so I only took it to the store with me a couple of times. It was also advertised as being extremely quiet so those around you couldn’t hear it, but that wasn’t true either.

The only thing I loved about this device was that I actually was able to read an actual paper book for the first time. It was a book I ordered online. I didn’t have to change the format or alter it in any way. I just picked it up, pushed a button on the glasses and started reading. Now days, I can get most books on Kindle or Audible, but this particular one I couldn’t get in electronic format. That was in the first month of having the device. After that, I rarely used it. I purchased it in January and now we are in August. It has barely been useful to me and I kept telling myself, maybe I’ll use it later. Maybe my circumstances will change and it will become more useful.

I finally decided that this was no longer serving me. Why am I spending money on something I don’t use? Why am I keeping things that don’t work well for me? I posted it for sale on Facebook and the next day the company contacted me asking me to return it. I’m not going to get my money back, but I will no longer be throwing money away. That money could be spent on things that do make a difference in my life. I figured that there was nothing I could do until I paid it off, but the fact is, I didn’t know until I did something about it.

Too often, we get stuck in this negative mindset where we feel we can’t change things. Sometimes, I feel like it’s not worth the bother, but usually it is. If you can eliminate something that makes you angry, depresses you, places a burden on you or hurts you, it is worth the effort. Even if you have to disrupt your busy schedule or make a huge change in your life. What are the things in your life that are no longer serving you? What steps can you take right now to reduce or eliminate them?

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